Hi Barbara/Kitn; Well, it's a start of a new day. And I think it's with God's protection and love I don't feel as awful as I thought I'd feel. I really pushed myself at the gym last night. I was planning to have a drink before I went to bed but I was just so tired out after having a late dinner, I just went to bed. One thing though. Don't drink so much coffee before working out and make sure you eat enough. After dealing with everything I lost my appetite so I ended up hardly eating anything before I went to the gym and I suffered a bit because of that. I'm not feeling great but I'm not feeling any worse then I have felt before. Maybe it's a sign that I am in fact getting strong. I thank God for sending me you both because you guys have been a big support to me.

Carry: That must have been awlful for you! I'm proud of you for finishing what you had to do. I know you won't really believe this, but the pain will lessen in time. Why is everybody so upset when you cry? Crying is a mechanism for release. Some people yell, some pace, some hold it inside. My mother used to yell and scream and make us clean the house with our toothbrushes. I think crying is your way of venting. You can cry. God, if you broke your arm you'd cry. You would cry from the pain. Emotional pain is as real as a broken bone. It's just not that easy to heal. Crying doesn't make you weak, it makes you human. It sounds to me as if you have few outlets for your pain. I really wish you could find a therapist you could trust and talk too. I am lucky my therapist gave me cart blanche to speak of whatever I wanted. I'm even allowed to tell her I don't agree with her or I don't understand her. She doesn't make me feel stupid. I trust her. I'm not sure about the shrink though. He's more like a teacher and dealer (ha, ha). I have to take tests to confirm the original diagnosis is still correct. If there are differences from one month to another they talk to me about it and try to compromise my treatment to fit what I need. I have to go now, my granddaughter is bouncing up & down for attention.

Hi Barbara/Kitn; Sorry it took me a while to reply. I've been... I don't know what I've been over the weekend. Don't remember what I did on Saturday other then going to the gym for couple hours. Sunday.. I basically slept all day. As for his emails.. it had to do with the stuff with the lawyer, so I did have to respond. Didn't make it personal or anything. Just gave him an answer to the question and asked him to coordinate with my lawyer. In any case. Everything got settled this afternoon. One of my sister was home when I was getting ready to leave. I gathered the stuff I was suppose to give back to him. My sister didn't know everything was getting settled today. She asked what was in the bag.. When I answered "the ring..." tears just broke out. I think I suprised her a bit and felt bad for me as well. I could tell she didn't really know what to say to comfort me. She just said, "you'll meet someone great...". The last thing I said to her before I left was, "don't tell mom I cried..." I was kind of afraid if she found out, she'd scold me for being weak. I know part of it would be from frustration seeing me in pain. But I also know the way she shows her concerns sometimes ends up hurting me more. I also cried in the lawyer's office while listening to him explain everything on what will happen. I felt so embarrassed. But I couldn't stop myself. His assissant was with me while he went to meet.. my ex. I thank God she was there keeping me company. I think she was trying to get my mind off the stuff that was happening. And it worked. We had a nice conversation while we were waiting for my lawyer to come back. When I got back to the office, my dad looks at me and asks.. "did you cry?...." I gave him a little smile and said "of course not.. why would I?.." I totally denied it but I think he knew. I feel bad that my parents had to see me in that much pain and.. still hurting. I can't wait til I get to the gym tonight. I just want this day to be over. I feel somewhat releaved that everything is finally over. But at the same time, I... feel as if something is going to explode. Does that make sense? Sorry I've been yepping so much. This is the only place I can really express my feeling and be totally honest. Kitn.. I'm als

Carry/Kitn: How was your weekend? Mine started out ok but Sunday I had a meltdown. I'm better now but I feel like I really failed my therapy. I hate this loss of control. I hate feeling as if I've f**** up. I tried to get onto this site but had a problem finding our posts. Carry, are you ok? You didn't respond to any of "his" e-mails did you? I've been thinking about you and Kitn since Friday night. Kitn, how is your husband doing? Please let us know. And thanks again for the poem.

Carry/Kitn: God has already given you the tools you need to get through this. You're just so overwhelmed with pain you can't see that. Take a deep breath Carry, hold it to the count of three then let it out slowly. Do this three or four more times until you get your sense of balance back. When you get his e-mails DON'T OPEN THEM! Save them in case the attorney needs them but don't read them alone. I think you and I ought to take a class in something fun. Nothing intellectual, something physical like ballroom dancing, or becoming a mime. I don't really know but I think we need laughter and movement. I'll talk to you later. XOXOXO

Hi Barbara/Kitn; Well, for the 2nd night in a row, I took several shots of cognac before going to bed. The first night I was some what ok. But last night after drinking.. I was feeling so sick that I thought I was going to pass out. I barely made it into my room but collapsed at the door. I've asked him not to contact me more then once because it was just too painfull. Even to this day, I'd do everything to avoid going anyway near his neighborhood. (He lives not too far from me which doesn't make things any easier) But he keeps emailing me instead of dealing with the things with the lawyer. Oh geeze... I can't even describe what I'm feeling now. I think I'm going to burst if someone even just pokes me. I really loathed getting up this morning. Having to feel and be aware of what's going on. I've always know this was something I'd have to deal with eventually. But still... I think the devil is using this situation to his advantage because I'm getting alot of bad thoughts to do something stupid. Keep praying for me guys. I'm just really hurting right now.

Carry/Kitn: Carry don't bury this inside. Vent to us. Yell and scream and try to understand. Holding this inside is like a tumor growing inside you. You have to let it out and you don't have to explode to do so. Go to some Kickboxing classes. Walk around until you work up a sweat. We have to learn the proper ways to express our emotions not how to hide them. Shame and guilt are horrible. I understand guilt. I remember when my father decided I was too old or too ugly anymore and he began going after one of my younger sisters. I was relieved. We knew our mother knew but she never did anything so I had no one to tell. I was a child when this happened and as an adult I know it wasn't my fault and that I was powerless to do anything. But the guilt and shame are sometimes overpowering. I'm learning how not to turn that nastiness inward. It's very, very hard. Vent to us. Let it out. There's no need for historonics. There's no need for drama. This is a fact. Something that is so painful you had to pay someone to finally finish it. Hold on to you faith and to you friends.

Hi Barbara/Kitn; Thank you Barabara for your encouragement and offer of help. I knew I could count on you both. It was like death when things started happening. I'd like to say that the pain has lessened a bit. But I'm not sure if that's really true or if I'm just being numbed to the pain now. I can't really talk about this with my family. As I've said in earilier posts, I know they care and want the best for me. But sometimes the way they show their concerns hurts me even more than when they don't say anything. So many memories of the past have been circling my head. I keep having to fight for the control of my mind. I've always known this had to be done. But now knowing exactly when. I know it's going to be over for good. It sort of feels like I'm going through the break up again. Well, at least I'm up and still doing things this time instead of locking myself in my room as if I'm on my death bed. You mentioned grieving. I'm not sure how to do that. I usually just pile everything up inside and from time to time burst out in little bits of anger. All I want to do lately is just sleep. Things are just so much better when I'm not awake.

Carry: I'm so sorry about your loss. If there's anything I can do to help, please don't hesitate to write. I think you gave us your personal e-mail in this site. I'm going to try to find it so that I may converse personally with you. Carry, please try to understand a break up is something like a death. You have to grieve for the tremendous loss. The pain does eventually lessen and after some time it becomes a bittersweet memory. You will get through this. I've just recently gone through this w/one of my dauthers. She was in so much pain and so confused. I'm not going to preach platitudes or spout cliches. Let yourself grieve so that some of the pain is released. Talk to me and Kitn because we've probably been through similar situations. Read Kitn's poem again. Don't listen to love songs on the radio. Put on loud music and dance in the privacy of your room. Go to the park and swing as high as you can. Please let me/us help you with this.

Hi Barbara/Kitn; Kitn.. I also really enjoyed your poem. It's very encouraging which is something I really need right at this moment. I don't think I've mentioned this. But I broke up with my fiance several months ago. And everything else start collapsing as the relationship crashed. There was few things that were unsettled. And because I couldn't face him. I hired someone to do it for me. I know it was cowardly of me. But I just couldn't. Everything will be over this Saturday. I don't know why but tears keep coming down. I kind of feel like exploding. But I know this emotion will pass. I've survived worse things than this. I'm stronger now. Right? Please keep praying for me. This is going to be a very hard emotional week. May God watch over me.