Wildcat,
I know what it is to "want a life and serenity". I had a corporate job in Contracts but i couldn't carry the two 25 lb contract bags around Europe because of arthritis in my ankles. This was before laptops. I drank to combat the pain. I was hungover. I took painkillers and got fuzzy-brained. I got MDD big-time and dropped out of the life of suits and skills andbig salary. I wanted to 'be' too.
I took a disability pension and walked. Marriage broke down. I stopped drinking and started reading up on how to achieve tranquility in my life. I lived alone for the next 15 years or so and practised 'emptying my head of thought' like it advises in the books on zen. Didn't work at first but i persevered (what else did I have to do since I was retired and eating rice as a staple?!)and I chanted in my head as I drove on weekends to see my sister (100 klms each way) and I did get glimpses at "the jewel at the heart of the lotus" ( Namu Myo Ho Renge Kyo - Namoo Me yoh Ho Rengay Key oh - sort of!) and it relaxed me and stopped me grinding my teeth and helped me to deal with my pain and lonliness and depression. I bought (after much searching) tapes (DVDs now) of Tibetan monks chanting and played them with my earphones stuffed in to my ears. And I got lost for hours in the low thrumming and humming of these monks, softly and deeply, repeating the word "Om". That's all, just "Ommmmmmmm" over and over and I'd hum along with them (quietly, not to freak out the neighbours!) and, somehow, "be" with them a little bit for a little while. At One with them, maybe.
Sometimes i forget to do that because of the speed of family life now. Thanks for bringing up the question of seeking serenity, Wildcat.
You're 34 now and this is the beginning of a new chapter in your life. Make the changes that you have to make. make yourself the most important thing to 'fix' in your life. Take yourself VERY seriously. Love yourself enough to be able to give away some love.
Patrick
