Today was not as good as yesterday. Maybe it was the fact that I had to leave work to see the appraiser for the house. Maybe it was the fact I knew I wouldn't be able to talk with my sweetie tonight. She had to work late and is 3 hours ahead of me, so that's cool. Maybe it was the fact I couldn't talk with my son tonight either, he and his Mom are out for the evening. Then, of course, I forgot my cellphone at work and had to go back and get it, so the evening was a rush.
The house is almost completely clean. Well, as clean as I can get it until I get some more boxes for packing and the snow clears up so I can get into the garage. There wasn't much I could do tonight. There went that outlet for the anxiety. I was using that as a way to divert my focus on being alone. I put the TV on but that didn't help. I don't know how I feel. Physically, I feel cold and tired. Emotionally I feel sad. I feel sort of guilty for not being able to do much, even though it's not my fault. I feel guilty for feeling angry at my sweetie for not being here to help me clean and pack.
I feel confused that a lot of people can go through something like this and it doesn't really phase them. Why me? Is there something wrong with me? Am I weak? Foolish thoughts I know, but hard ones to fight off sometimes. I want to go to bed, but it's only 9:00 p.m. and I don't want to disturb my sleep patterns. Although, those have been off for weeks waking up frequently in a panic.
I guess I'll get better. Tomorrow could be a better day. The weather is supposed to get warmer soon. The appraisal is done and that's one step closer to selling the house. Maybe I'll just have a tea, watch some TV and then go to bed. I think at this point that's all I can do and I need to rest in that.
