today i was super excited, i bought an electronic drum set; compared to an acoustic drum set it really doesn't make much noise. as soon as i walked into my house both my parents starting hissing at me and calling me an idiot. i ignored them. i set it up in the back corner of the basement as far away as i could possibly put it from my parents and tested it out. i had my sister play it and went into the family room, u could only hear it if the tv was on mute and it wasn't loud; however, after about 10 minutes my mum coming flying down the stairs and gave me an earful, calling me a loser etc..
since this happened i've had a lot of time to reflect on my childhood. i'm not going to say my parents are bad parents, but compared to other peoples parents they seem devoid of positivity. i've always been the black sheep of the family, being east indian and listening to heavy metal music made sure of that, but i was always loved and accepted by all members of my family except my parents who seemed ashamed of me. my father always made me the butt of his jokes to make himself look funny, and the first time my parents seemed to show any support for me emotionally was when i had a mental breakdown and even then i had threaten suicide before i was taken seriously, that was only 8 weeks ago, now its back to being bashed...i mean who calls someone who just got out of a mental health clinic an effing idiot?
i asked my mum once to name 5 things that made me happy...she got one right, i love music (obvious as i own 5 guitars) couldnt even get to number two. i grew up on unhealthy foods, processed meats and microwave dinners, i subconciously call my best friends mother 'mum' because she treats me like a son. im worried about my younger sister as she obviously is going through the same thing, but i dont feel close enough to her to talk to her.
i think i have to move out, i owe money to the bank but i think i can work around that. the negativity that stems from my parents is seriously painful and if i look back at my life i think i have wanted to move out since i was 8 years olds. 18 years later im still here, depressed and anxious looking for hope.
thanks for letting me rant, i feel better already
Sunny II
