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Hi DiAnn, I remember the emotions you describe. All my life I felt I was in control, I was strong. Then, this anxiety thing happened. I too felt as if the "real me" was gone. Now I realize that the real me is still here. The bravado that I used to think was me was really only an attempt to protect the scared/insecure person I was. Like sky said, waking to yourself is really the first step to becoming the person you are.
Be kind to yourself as you work through this program...reading your message, I had this overwhelming sense of lack of acceptance of self...lack of willingness to sometimes not be in control. I can remember those days clearly...but in a fairly short while, I've made progress in trying to be more accepting of myself (some days are far better than others).
Our traits that make us anxiety-prone can be real blessings if used properly. We are generally sensitive, thoughtful, creative considerate people. Unfortunately, we used those skills to scare ourselves. In day-sized chunks, I'm trying to get to the point where I'm able to be who I am while acknowledging my unique strengths.
Would you agree with the possibility that you don’t know for certain how others are feeling. That the religious and/or seemingly happy folk may very well have more in common with you than you presume. Perhaps they cope differently. That only allowing people bow to you may, in itself, be a sign of weakness - of low self esteem.
I think these thoughts are keeping you awake because they are arrogant. I should know, I’ve thought them myself. Until I woke up to myself and realised:
Hang on I don’t know any of this for sure and what good is it doing pretending I do?
The answer is none. ;)
You know, as I sit in the window always looking out, I see people actually functioning, living and doing whatever it is they do. Is there something inside them that creates happiness, where I only see fear? Some people can stay afloat no matter the stresses they have, and in the same light, I wonder about the people so deeply religious they can just let go and fall back flying on their faith alone. The Fight or Flight Response is ground in their psyches so deeply, I wonder why I would rather respond by playing dead. There are amazing people who don't require prescriptions to simply keep from wishing for death.
I once made a soul promise to myself that I would never bow to anyone--I would only allow others to bow before me. Where did that strong person go? I can not let others see me, for they will only see the ghost of the person I once was before I married and had children. Oh God, how I have fallen!! I want ME back!!
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