Well...here I am in Banff, living my dream vacation that I never thought I'd be able to do. OMG...someone pinch me. I did it - the plane, the driving through the mountains, walking on a glacier, going up a huge mountain in a gondola...all of it! I did it! Anyhow, I am in a cyber cafe and am getting really homesick. It is nice to be away but I really miss my kids. Can't wait to get back home. I'm back on the plane tomorrow. Live it everyone! Live your dreams. Don't wait till you feel better to start working on your phobias. Last week I had a hard time going down the darn street without panicking so it is a bit surreal that I am here today but ... I believe we are ALL much stronger than we believe! Believe in yourself! Cheers, Danielle

Danielle, I just stumbled on this site after doing a search. I cried after reading your post because I have been experiencing the SAME THINGS. What an incredible relief to know that someone else ACTUALLY has felt the same type of things. It seems to be of little help to hear people say "You're not going crazy". It's almost as if I just sort of reject that as "feel good talk". Reading that others are going through similar stuff is very very helpful. Please feel free to email me at fisk75@comcast.net. Thanks again......Bill

Thanks so much for your feedback everyone! I've gotten some terrific replies and I really appreciate them. I think actually, that I am going to print out this thread and put it in my binder to remind me of what I really NEED to hear. Thanks a bunch. Danielle

2 things that really help me are: 1) What is going crazy anyway? Is it really a definitive state? Sure I have PD but does that make me crazy? 2) If I was to go "crazy", and I guess my definition of this would be severe psychosis, eg hallucinations, delusions, etc, would I really be aware of it? I have a friend who is bipolar, and he suffers from hypermania, and he isnt really aware of it, especially when he is manic. For those who dont know, manic can be a very strong psychosis. People normally have to tell him - hey buddy, somethings not right. So even if you were to go crazy (whatever that means) would you really be aware of it? I doubt it. Those who are truly insane are not typically aware of their insanity. What makes us "crazy" is out anxiety - but its also what makes us very, very sane. Hope this makes sense, but its kind of true if you think about it.

oh man, i posted this in the wrong discussion. The hi blondie one. Sorry danielle.

Hi Danielle, thanks for your post. I've often struggled with the exact fear you mention. When my anxiety was low, I knew I wasn't going crazy (though I still feared it), when my anxiety was high, I was convinced I was going crazy. I read somewhere that we have a "learned vulnerabililty" to certain types of stress. When we encounter that situation, it hits us hard. Other stress situations (that may bother others) may not affect us. When I was growing up, I always had this urge to "look and feel ok" to the people around me. Over time, that turned into an obsession. I was afraid to show any strong emotions. I was consummed with "what do others think of me"? Am I ok? etc. With that as a backdrop, when my panic first hit, I was very vulnerable to the stressor of "I'm going crazy". I've been able to make progress through writing down my thoughts, evaluating what I expect of myself, trying to obsess less on what others think of me, and recognizing that my thoughts are different from my symptoms. I've had much success with CBT...but I stopped with relaxation, allowed myself to be overcome by many stresses...and now I'm working through it again. As I tell myself when things suck "on the other side of where I am, are the opposite emotions of what I feel. I'll be patient and gentle with myself as I learn how to move there"

Everyone has given you excellent advice here! I must agree with all of them! Pam is right when she said that you aren't going crazy, we have all felt that way! I understand your fears. But remember that once you do something that you are afraid of, it NEVER turns out to be as bad as you thought it would! That gives you more confidence to try new challenges! Sky was right when she said that the important things never go away, but the imaginary ones can and do go away! I think that you will be surprised with yourself when you try some exposure, that's what usually happens. You will be amazed at what you can do if you try. Try something very small or easy and go from there. You are stressing more about thinking about exposure than actually doing some! You will be fine, we all tried and it worked for us! Good luck!

Hi Danielle, I've read your post and would like to just say... Remember things are never as bad as they seem. I believe that once you get on the plane and get to you destination you will be one step closer to conquering your fear. Your mind is playing games with you. I understand that it is your fear of the unknown, as it is with all of us. I bet you will feel GREAT once you do this. I think you should be proud for just buying the tickets. That was a big step for you. Just think you will not be alone, your husband will be there to support you. You know what I suggest..... Get a head set and a CD with calming music or sounds of water, whatever you'd like. Listen to it on the plane for relaxation. I bet it will help you. I think you should jump in without another thought. Life is too short to sit and ponder any longer!!! Go have yourself a great time, and keep telling yourself " I am only human, and I can do it!!!" Take good care Danielle, I have faith in you. Lisa

Hi Danielle, Yes, I can relate to your fears of going crazy! Pamela hit the nail right on the head, crazy people don't know they're crazy! It's so true. I've felt what you've felt many a time. But each time I've come through the other side, and you will too! When I first got panic disorder I found this site. The girl behind the site wrote in detail all the things she had gone through. Including going out in public and freaking out to the point of being delusional and confused about where she was. But she survived! Something she said really struck a chord with me. She said that you really think you're going crazy or going to die. So next time you feel like this, go with it, feel all the dread, go deeper into the horror and theres nothing at the end but a big smile. She went on to say how she couldn't stress enough the importance of facing your fears. Said it changed her life and she really inspired me! I'm trying to find the site again for you. Haven't been able to find it yet. I think it was called "someones Panic Page" I've found an Eileen's Panic Page but it's not the same site I was looking for. If I ever find the site again I'll be sure to post you the link. I was petrified I would forget who I was or have some form of personality change in some way too. It's like when we learn the ins and outs of panic, it finds something else to scare us. Then I realised we create what we fear! You'll never forget who you are! But at the same token you can see how panic can enslave you. I became a different person because I feared emotions so much. But the real you never disappears, it just gets hidden behind the fear. The thought of exposure work is terrifying but, in my experience, actually doing the exposure work isn't as scary as the time leading up to it. I've been there, rocking myself like a child in my own world, infact I did it just yesterday! But here I am, still here and able to laugh about it! I can't even remember what I was afraid of! Well, I know I was freaking out about something I'm working on. But there must have been something else to set me off. The point I'm trying to make is that the important things never go away and the imaginary ones do. I know it's hard, but with your exposure work you'll learn to trust this again. Remember, theres nothing

Hi blondie, In a lot of cases, this is a gastric problem. Anxiety makes some of us overbreath, and in doing that we have a tendency to swallow air. Swallowing a lot of air makes our stomach and chest bloat, and overbreathing makes our chests sore - constant hyperventilation over time can actually weaken the chest muscles. Understanding this was a big hurdle for me to overcome as part of my recovery. Now that I am breathing normally again, I seem to have much more control over panic, as I am not constantly breathing badly as a response to my anxiety. Read this post of mine... http://www.paniccenter.net/support/viewmessages.cfm? Forum=2&Topic=1988 This may or may not be the cause of your problem, but it is the reason I got chest pains as far as I can see.