Ever regret something that came about as a result of simply having a bad attitude? Well today I managed it. Because of this bad attitude I have been dealing with for a few days now, I did something really stupid. I have been keeping a journal for years now. Today, I was re-reading some of it, and my "attitude" decided it was worded dumb, lame, and rediculous, so I destroyed it. Yep, shredded it...page by frickin page. Now I REALLY feel badly. I had written about so many wonderful memories in there, along with a few not so wonderful ones. I was mad at myself before, but now I am outraged at myself. For several days now, I have had a hard time in dealing with my quit. It has been 116 days now and quite frankly, I thought that at this point into it, that I would be doing much better by now. I am learning the hard way I suppose, that stopping smoking is at the very least 75% positive attitude in how you perceive yourself as well as your abilities to accomplish goals.
This bad attitude is like dealing with a rebellious child. Just try and get it to do the right thing and watch it do the opposite. I have even managed to get on my own nerves! At this point, if the opportunity presented itself, I would probably cave. I know what you are going to say, "You would toss away 116 days so easily just so you can start back on day 1"? Well, at this point, if I started back smoking, I don't know that I would even try to quit again. I am just so tired fighting this battle, as it seems that it never lets up, never gets easier with each day that passes. My resolve to beat this just keeps getting weaker and weaker. I only want to feel like myself again and get over that "something's missing" feeling.
I feel that this quit has become more about expectations of me than what I choose. Yes, this is an issue that I wish wasn't, but I cannot wish it away, nor can I force myself to feel something that I don't. See, I don't believe in living my life in a hypocritical manner. To say that I am "hanging on" is putting it mildly. I do not know how to look at this quit anymore. The only thing I hang on to, is not wanting others to lose faith in me, especially my husband, and I do not want to be a big disappointment to them either.. I ask you...Does this sound somewhat hypocritical to y