Hello All, as you can see, I had to reregister. Had some techical difficulties, it wouldn't let me post, and I didn't want to wait to get it fixed. So you see now I am"Ralph 2", but i can assure you it is the same person. I want to thank you all for your responses. It seems that I have searching for along time to find a forum like this where I can talk to people who really understand what i am going thru. Wildcat, you are very right in your analogy as to suicide confusing a foe with a friend. That is why I am so scared of a relapse at this time. Also, I too, realized that my wife did as well have so much invested in me. The thought of causing her so much pain in having to deal with what I was going to do is a great source of shame and guilt right now. It is hard for me as well, because I have tried to change so much in my life and still failed to get over the hump to wellness. I was self medicating at one time, alcohol to the extreme, and I was able to stop. I quit smoking, drinking, ate right got excercise, went to church, basically turned my life around and yet, here I am, right back where I started from. The only factor that I stopped was the medication. Makes me wonder, is it just a chemical process? Goofy, thank you for your thoughts on work. I am still not sure what to do at this time. I worried alot of people who are close to me, and they are all encouraging me to tale my time, but still have this urge to get out and do something. They all say take it one day at a time, but I worked for almost 30 years in retail management. A major part of my job was to always be in the future, planning, anticiapting problems and figuring out how to avoid them.trying to find small problems before they became big. I realize this type of thinking help put me in the position I am in today, but it is not easy to stop and I am not sure how to go about it. The other thing is I can't seem to find what I want to do. Since leaving retail management last year, I have taken the poatal exam, started a tax preparation class(which I didn't complete), gotten my commercial driving liscense(spent 2 months drving semi truck over the road, my wife couldn't take me being gone all the time), worked a month as a security guard and lastly worked as a cashier and day stocker at a grocery store. And this is all in just the last year, can't seem to find anything satisfying enough to stay with and now hesitant to just keep looking becuase of the amount of money for training I have already spent and am not using. What way to turn? Mother of 3, on an intellectual level I totally understand your point, on a spiritual level, I am having a real hard time. Not because you aren't right, you are. It is just that I wonder, do I have so little faith that I couldn't bear the cross i was given? You see I too, have a great deal of guilt about suicide. I was raised catholic, where suicide was considered one of the ultimate sins. Not only were you throwing away God's most precious gift,life, but also if you did the things you were supposed to do, you should have enough faith to get you thru life troubles and tribulations. Because of these feelings I have had a hard time going to a clergy member and talking to them about my problems. I have made several attempts, via email, in order to gauge how they would feel before I go in person to person and do not get a response. Their silence is condeming. i will continue to pray though it it was hard to start again, I had prayed so very hard during the last episode I had and felt he had abandoned me. I realize that this is my thorn as well, but it is hard for me to accept it. I have spent my entire life trying to fix things, accepting that I may not be able to fix this, is very frustrating for me. One day at a time? I'm working on it.
