fake...it's what i have become. i live only to avoid confrontations with my rommie/boyfriend. were doing so good right now, but it's only because i never speak and if i do it's very short and to the point. i don't feel like i can express myself anymore. whenever i did before i was told that i didnt know how to talk or express myself. i have always thought of becoming an journalist, but geared towards fashion. it's what i think about all the time, but when i showed him some of my writings he said they didnt even make sense. it is so hard living day to day tring so hard to be perfect. as long as i dress clean, do my hair, not speak , but always laugh at what he says and always smile no matter how i feel then everythings good. i wish i could tell him how much the things he has said and did hurt me , but the fact of the matter is he doesnt care. because i caused it all upon myself and i was showing to much emotions. he has molded me into this person that doesnt feel. or atleast not allowed to. i have quit smoking for him which i know is a good thing . i have stopped writing notes and letters on how i feel b/c that was the way i expressed my feelings but it just aggrevated him, so i stopped. i used to have a glass of wine before i went to bed which theres nothing wrong with one glass sometimes i would have a little more, but i wasnt talking to him all i was doing was watching tv, but he didint like that b/c it reminded him of his ex, so i stopped that. and may i add i have been drinking wine since i was 10 my family is a wine family my uncle has a vineyard, so that was a big deal. i stopped doing my eye makeup a certain way b/c he didnt like it. i have stopped e-mailing him b/c he says i dont know how to say anything. and i dont call him anymore b/c he says that it bugs him when i just call for no apparent reason.and he comments on how much i weigh, so i have lost 9 pounds but he hasnt noticed. i paid all the bills this month so he could get his motorcyle. and now he wants me to change my sleeping times, b/c i wake up much earlier then him to go to work so i want to go to bed earlier ,but he doesnt b/c he wants to stay up and play his internet games and b/c we live in a small one bedroom apt. it is impossible for me to fall asleep so i get around 5-6 hours sleep at
