Hi DB
Well I can say I've been there done that... and it does suck when you think you've forever rid yourself of them and them boom they are back. I went 5 or 6 years without one so I was quite devastated by my setback...
I think though you need to accept that the anxiety is a part of you.... Like many things it can lie dormant or not give you any problems and then one day it "flares" up. Why it flares up is what we need to learn to focus on. The panic is your body telling you it's got too much going on.. Look at what you've been through in the last while. Tremendous change has occurred and a result your body reacted. Some people get migrains, others get ulcers, we get panic.
You, like myself appear to have all the knowledge and tools and are able to help others but when it comes to ourselves we don't show nearly enough understanding or patience. Instead we become disappointed in ourselves. As the years have gone on for myself my focus has changed. It's not about eliminating it or beating it anymore, its about living with it. Like living with diabetes.. I do all that I can lifestyle wise, I educate myself the best I can and I surround myself with people I trust and love. Most importantly I allow myself to be imperfect... For myself medication has helped tremendously, but only after exhausting all options and only when I started to believe that it could help me and knowing I still had a lot to do with my well being. There is no such thing as a happy pill.. too bad :). Even with all that though I know that it can and probably will come back. I've had setbacks with both my babies ... I believe due to hormones and probably being a woman will have them again as I continue to change... The joys of getting older..LOL.. I now know though that these are probabilities and I just accept them.
It's not always easy and I too feel a sense of disappointment and dread when it happens but I thank my lucky stars that I have the tools and resources (you guys) to bounce my zany thoughts off of.
You have been a source of inspiration and strength to me through your posts and your maturity level is beyond your years. Maybe though it's time to slow down and stop putting so much personal pressure on yourself. You're great the way you are...and give yourself the gift of time... It does wonders... Enjoy the little things and focus on your small achievements which really are big... Working part time is great! It's what works for you physically. As for the money thing...it's the same for all of us. Be grateful that you have someone who can help you out and take advantage of the grace period it will give you to work on being "well"..
Ok.. gotta turn off my mom mode and stop blabbing...
Take care DB... hope this made sense. :)
DM