Hello guys, thank you so much for your support and encouragement and kind words. I reallu need them right now.
I went for a walk. I basically ran from home. What is home when it is not home, not a haven anymore? What is home where your house feels like a prison? Like a war zone? So I ran. Yes, I know, running is avoiding. Thing is I don't even know that I want to go back, tonight or ever. Before I left, I tried a peace offering. I asked him to come eat with me at a restaurant and we could talk on neutral ground. He refused. I walked myself straight to the public library. They have an internet connection there and you can make a reservation to use their computer for 2 hours. But there was no computers at the public library, well not the one within walking distance. But I have access to more then one, it is like a network of public libraries. So I reserved one in a farther library. So the great humiliation is I actually needed a ride from my hubby so I could run away from home and from him. How humiliating!I really need to learn how to drive...People everywhere beware and shudder anxiously, I might get a license! Hard to make a getaway on foot sometimes.
So here I am sitting in a public library. Sitting here letting my heart pour out on this forum in front of a gazillion strangers. The man sitting next to me on the other computer is actually close enough I can read his screen lol! And still, with all that, I still feel better here then at home. Sad no? I am not sure how I will go back. He said in the car he doesn't want the marriage to be over, he still loves me but he wants the fighting to be over. I am at the point where I don't think it will ever be. We had a good period because of Oscar's death. He was careful of me and besides a good supply of movies, a bit of attention (I would sit like a ghost next to him and let him play and chat him up a bit, didn't actually ask him to get off the games) and some food. I asked very little of him. Those were needs he could deal with. I didn't care if the house was a mess and nothing got done and I didn't care if I got help or not. I just wanted to watch movies and cry and he helped me through that and did all that very well. He is good with that stuff. But once I start feeling better and I want help with things and I need help sorting our lives, he shuts down. He just stays there and plays. I here his mouse clicking hour after every hour. I feel lonely and helpless. I feel buried under the weight of all the things I need to do and I realize there is no help possible from him. I think the fighting won't stop because the only way it will is if I ask nothing of him. He wants me to act as if he is not there. He pays the bills and I do the rest and ask nothing else. I think that is what he wants from me. That is not a marriage... I am tired of all this. Mostly I am tired that we cannot talk. I am tired of being shut out. He says I don't talk nicely to him anymore and I think he is right. I have become a witch with a b. It is just that after over ten years of begging and pleading for him to hear me, to understand I am out of good words. I have used them all up. I have hurt and anger in my heart. It poisons me and I am choking to death.
I would need us to live seperately for a while. I would need him to have his own space and me my own. I would want us to date and be faithful but to have our own place. That way I could put my life back on tracks without hearing the stupic mouse clicks haunt me! Without having to clean up after me and him. I think it would do him good too. We were not ready when we moved in together. Not ready at all. We have never recovered. I think time living apart but dating would help us be connected and yet apart enough to figure out who we are and what we need and what we could give each other. I love him and want to remain married with him but I need room! I just need room to fix my life. We both feel misunderstood and havenless, homeless...I love him but I am drowning. We can't afford to live separetely though so this whole thing is a moot point. I am not feeling hopeful atm.
I feel like taking my credit card and renting a motel room and not going home tonight. I have a class tomorrow at 9 am. Not sure if I am up to going. I hate my day!
