Yeh - I am so happy you had a good night!!! Hang on to that and know that you are strong and you are capable of good times! Woo Hoo!! I am so glad you had a good time!! You deserve it!!

Dear Vickers, I have not decided yet what to do, I would love to visit my family I miss them but with my husbands work and my son's school schedule I don't know how its possible. I have some good news FINALLY I went to a party down the street late this afternoon, I ate, I socialized and almost felt like the old Debbie again, it was such a good feeling! I got a little light-headed at one point but worked through it, I was SO proud of myself, for a few hours I was like the normal Debbie and I am so grateful to God for it. Perhaps the anti-botic is finally working, I feel tired but good for doing it, I wanted to tell you this Vickers and everyone because I have wrote such doom and gloom posts lately I wanted to say something positive, I know you and everyone are proud of me, I hope it lasts, it felt so good to feel pretty decent. God bless, Debbie.

Hey Debbie! If you feel you need to go to Ohio, then go ahead and go. Don't leave. But, go visit. Your son needs you more than you will ever know and he needs to understand that your going is not permanent and that you're not leaving him - you're just going to go for a little while so you can take a breath. And you need to know that it's ok to take a break and try to get your strength back. It is ok to be a little selfish once in awhile. Go visit your aunt. Recharge and come back with a better outlook. I know you can get through this Debbie! You are not a lost cause!! You are tired and you are feeling weak because you have been fighting for so long. But, you're not done yet! I know you have it in yourself to break out of this dark hole you are in. I know you are strong and I know you can do it!! Don't give up! Don't ever think you're praying wrong and that God isn't listening! When everyone else turns a def ear, God will always be there to listen. He answers your prayers - not in words, but in opportunities. He will show you the way. He is listening and is always there for you even when what is going on in your head is too loud for you to hear Him. He is there and will NEVER abandon you!!

I do not want to leave my son I love him so very much, but is it fair for him to witness this, I am so sick emotionally and physically, broncitis, panic, anxiety, crying, fear etc....He would probably be better off without me. I am taking the Paxil it will be almost 3 weeks and it seems to increase my anxiety, and the Klonopin helps but then it brings me down and I cry, my nurse is out of town and her secretary scared me and was no help, I had a dream last night that I was in jail for 70 days! I hope that is not a omen of how long I will have to suffer, should the paxil of been helping by now, I am still taking the antibotic, it is so terrible to be so sick and not find medical help. I am trying to stay strong, but I do not want to put my family through anymore, I would rather dissapeer than do that. Hopefully this will end soon, please send prayers, I am ready to recover and feel normal again, I have had enough and my mind can not take much more. Thanks, Debbie.

Hi Debbie im sorry your having such a miserable time right now but you will feel better eventually it may take some time depression is a terrible thing to suffer from.I do think you need to find a good doctor/psychiatrist that specialises in anxiety/panic from what you have said so far the ones that you have seen in the past really havnt done what needs to be done for you my doctor wont let me leave her office unless shes satisfied with the progress im making.Maybe a couple of days at your aunts house might give you a bit of a break and just remember you can always head home if you need to.Please let me know how you are doing i am praying for you Debbie.Take care. Lulu..

I spoke to my Aunt last night in Ohio, she said I could take the greyhound bus to visit her, I would love to go home and take refuge and get well because I am not getting well here. This disorder has stold everything from me, I do not wear make-up anymore, I hardly leave the house, I do not even run a brush through my hair, and this is so unlike me, all I had was medication and prayer and both seem to be failing me, I am getting worse instead of better, I know the pms is probably making it a bit worse but I would feel like this anyway. I do not think its fair to put my husband and son through this hell anymore, I just want to leave and let them have there lives back, my old therapist never called me back, she said she does not feel right taking my money knowing I do not have it she also said I am "challenging" she probably does not want to deal with it, my nurse-practioner is out of town, I called her secretary and she told me to call my primary and she then told me SHE had broncitis last year, took Amoxicillian and ended up in the hospital with pnuemonia, I wish people would not tell me such scary things, if they are not going to help please do not hurt me! The fear panic and anxiety have led to a depression, I wake up panicking every day, then the second part I cry and cry, I hide from my family so they do not see this, around 11:00 pm or midnight, it sometimes "lifts" and I feel normal and I have hope for the next day and it always comes back, I do not understand why late late at night I feel better?? That is very strange. I have done everthing to get better, I thought going away would help, if I stay here I fear I will get worse and die, my nurse promised the Paxil would help, it has done nothing, I am very discouraged, I have prayed and pleaded to God to if not stop this to please ease it, I must not be praying correctly or something. The broncitis is not helping, but this is been going on long before this, I do NOT want to leave my son, but he deserves a healthy well Mother and this is not fair for him, I will not hurt him anymore. Does this sound like a good idea?? I have exhausted everything else, the thought of living like this anymore is unbearable. I am sorry this is so long, I am at the end of my rope, I keep wanting to see the light at the end of