I just wanted to let you know Ruby that I was the same
as you are now. I was working and began having alot of
anxiety and PAs at work, so I took a leave of absence.
My boyfriend tried to understand, and same as you over
the next 3 years I never could go out anywhere without
him. I got so bad at one time I would even beg him to
stay home from work because I was terrified to be alone
in my own home.
Long story short. . . He walked out on me Jan 21st. Just came home from work, packed his stuff and said he
wanted to move out for a week so he could stay drunk
and high. I flipped out and told him after 8 years you
just dont leave someone for a week to party, to take
all his stuff and hit the door and dont look back.
Fast forward to today, I went thru the depths of despair.
I could not eat alone. I had to learn how to start living alone again. Its been very hard, horrible and sometimes I didnt think I could face another day. But I did.
I am working on the agrophobia everyday if I can, sometimes I am too tired, fustrated, or feeling ill to face any more. But I am doing it one day at a time. I have good days and bad days.
I go to therapy, CBT and have a load of self help books,
tapes and stuff. I go out with a "safe person" and I have recently started to drive a little with a "safe person". I still have a long long road ahead, I know but I will get there with patience and understanding from family and a few friends I have.
Yes I still get anxiety, sometimes full blown PAs but I
am getting better at finding the triggers and this helps me understand why this is my problem and what I need to change to get better.
I am fustrated as I want so much to have a life again,
and I think its the fustration and the broken heart that keep holding me back. But I put my faith in God, myself and know that healing is happening in my life.
So keep working on you, that was my problem. I am a
people pleaser, always taking care of everyone else and
never spending time on me. I read recently that if you
wont take 20-30 minutes to meditate then you feel that
you are not important enough to spend time on yourself.
How true this is! Invest the time now and healing will
come. I am at the bottom, there is nowhere to go but up.
Have hope, you too are
