Yes, alohakeia it did help for u to tell me to knock it off. At the same time, the part about not caring about myself is a big problem, wouldn't u say? And it's not only that but also feeling like such a fool. And the biggest part I just figured out isn't even the not caring about myself but the feeling of NOT HAVING ANY CONTROL OVER THE SITUATION!!!!!!! So I guess the serenity prayer is in order. Geez! And I have been saying a few quick prayers tonight while I've been going through this. After I bought the pack of cig's I was so darn angry that I drove over to my boyfriend's and had thoughts of doing the unthinkable and trying to control things but I hadn't quite gone that over-board, lol. That really would have been embarrassing. So good for me for driving my butt back home, lol. There's just so much anger/pain & fear of no control and feeling like a fool like the whole relationship was just bull**** but knowing in my heart that it's not. Just so much questioning myself, & so much confusion and pain in my heart! NOt to mention these darn hot flashes and hormone rollercoaster going on. Sheese, but smoking those nasty cig's sure didn't change anything. I don't know how but they did actually help me to feel better though. I've come up with all kinds of excuses to give up,,,but none of them are better than the reasons to quit. I almost don't want to go smoke that 5th one now. My stomach is starting to feel better and it's obvious that I must really want to quit or else I wouldn't be sitting here trying to avoid smoking another one. I really really really feel so much cleaner, healthier & better about myself when I'm smoke-free!!!!!!! Maybe that's the problem, maybe it's not comfortable to feel good about myself right now. My boyfriend did a gr8 job at letting me know how worthless I was this past Friday night. And the whole week before I was fighting so hard to stay quit. I just got tired of fighting tonight. I guess I'm just not very good at relationships but then I've never really been in a healthy one so how would I know.
Just 30 sec's ago I was starting to feel better but now I'm feeling really down again. I can't believe I'm going through this chaos within myself right now. It really sucks & I feel very embarrassed.
Just breathe.......
[B]My Milage:[/B]
[B]My Quit Date: [/B]7/7/2007
[B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 30
[B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 600
[B]Amount Saved:[/B] $144.00
[B]Life Gained:[/B]
[B]Days:[/B] 2 [B]Hrs:[/B] 22 [B]Mins:[/B] 19 [B]Seconds:[/B] 16
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Quit Meter
$29,286.00
Amount Saved
-
Quit Meter
Days: 647
Hours: 20
Minutes: 7
Seconds: 35
Life Gained
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Quit Meter
4881
Smoke Free Days
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Quit Meter
97,620
Cigarettes Not Smoked
