Yesterday was also a very good day! When I woke this morning I noticed right away that the jumpiness had decreased significantly. Unfortunately, today is the day I up my doseage so I think the morning jitters will probably return for another week. The up side is that I am now at the doseage my doctor wants me at so I shouldnt need to bump up again. I have noticed an interesting pattern. I also use Xanax before bedtime and again then when I first get up, but not throughout the day anymore. When I use .5mgs at night I dont sleep quite as well, when I use 1mg at night I sleep better but I wake up at the same time (about 1/2 hour early) and I am more likely to have some flashes of the negative thinking. For instance, the past two mornings (after a .5 dose before bed) I had no negative thinking in the AM. This morning however I have flashed on the thoughts for fleeting moments (nothing that caused any disturbances) and I had taken 1mg before bed last night. Of course, the pepperoni pizza may be the culprit too! :) I will study this and keep you all posted. I didnt need to look at the "self affirmation" list I now carry in my pocket yesterday, but it will remain there. I am beginning to look forward to going to work in the mornings and tend to play with the children more in the evenings than I had been in the last month. In fact, I actually want to play with the kids some, where before I would do it but not really be "into" it mentally. I find myself falling asleep about 1/4 way through my evening meditation tape. I wish I knew what those messages they pump into my noggin after I drop off are telling me. I guess I could listen to it during the day once to find out but that may jinx me. ;) I eat a breakfast bar and drink some juice while I type these morning messages and once again, the combination of the food and the therapy of writing have had a positive result. I feel better now than when I first got up. This morning I didnt have as far to go as I felt pretty good to begin with but there is always room for improvement...and Im gonna make it happen. So....Im off on a new adventure. Everyone have a glorious day and I will see you back here in the morning if not sooner! Mike

Well, Yesterday went very smoothly! :) I didnt sleep as well as I would like last night and I am still waking up nervous and jittery each morning though. I believe it is from the medication (Effexor). I have to eat small portions of food during the day to keep this "wired" feeling in check, and even after having a small snack before bedtime it is 8 hours before I get the chance to eat again. The jitters subside after I eat something in the morning. Ive been told that it takes a few weeks for the Effexor to level off in my system and then the morning jitters should end. Since I have been "bumping" my doseage weekly I havent yet had two solid weeks at the same dose. The negative anxiety producing thoughts are still being held at bay. I really think the meditation tapes I use at bedtime and in the morning before I get out of bed are helping. I will need to pick up some more of them...gotta have some variety. I guess variety is not only the "spice of life" but it is the spice of "inner life" too. I will carry my affirmation cheat sheet with me again today as it seemed to help as well. If I can make today as good as yesterday I believe that I may consider a turning point has been reached. Wait! Let me rephrase that... [b]Today will be better than yesterday and it[/b][u]WILL[/u][b]be a turning point for me![/b] (thanks Anne-Marie ;)) Now, Im off to conquer my small section of the world. Every one have a wonderful anxiety free day, I know I am going to. Thanks for reading. Mike

Mike, there are a lot of people whom we call lurkers, those who don't post, but who read the posts. Never fear, someone will be helped by your posts and insight. I'm so happy for you. You do seem to be moving forward. Reward yourself.

Thanks for that insight, I hadnt noticed that pattern. I will make an effort to pay attention to that pattern and will end my thoughts with positive thinking. I did something this morning that I think is pretty neat. I typed some messages to myself and printed them up on a small slip of paper. I carry that paper in my pocket and look at it every 1/2 hour no matter what. It says things like "The things you worry about are fabricated by you, they are not reality", "You are a different person now", "Act like you want to feel, it will transfer itself" and "You are done feeling bad, enough is enough". Surprisingly today has been rather good for me. I put on some music in my office (Louis Prima and Cab Calloway) and gathered some co-workers and went out for lunch. Thats the first time Ive been out to lunch at work in a month. I think the therapist may have jarred something loose! :) Its just after lunch now and I plan on having a wonderful afternoon and evening. (see, I learned that end with a positive thought lesson quickly :)) I started this thread with the intention of posting to it daily so that I (and others) could track my progress by reading it. I am hoping that some good will come from me doing this, sort of like a diary but open to everyone. Maybe some of the things I try can be helpful to others that are reading. That is my hope. Mike

Hi, Mike. Here's something you may not be conscious of, but look at your first paragraph. You wrote, "I felt relief after talking to her but I dont know how long that will last." As many people say, everything before the 'but' is negated by the second part of that thought. In other words, "I don't know how long that will last" leads into negative thoughts. Someone was telling me on the weekend that he was so bullied when he was young that he knows he accepted some of the messages given to him at that time, such as being stupid and no good and unable to do anything right. Actually, he's none of those, but he says he that over time, he's played those messages to himself in his mind so many times that it's automatic. I hope your therapist can help you those kind of things, things that should be challenged and questioned now. All the best :)

The visit with the theripist went well enough. She is interested in trying to find the root of the negative thoughts. We will be examining my childhood relatioships and such over the next month. I felt relief after talking to her but I dont know how long that will last. I feel fairly good this morning, not great, but better than yesterday. I still havent gotten to that old "jump out of bed and be excited about the day" stage yet but each night when I go to sleep I keep my fingers crossed that tomorrow will be the day. One thing I have realized is that a positive outlook is crucial to making any of these self-help systems work. If you put on a meditation tape and begin to think "what a load of hooey" that is exactly what you will hear...a load of hooey. But if you concentrate on the voice and dont drift off to other thoughts you really can "escape" from the world for 15 minutes or so. The way I see it, if our mind is powerful enough to cause this mess to begin with it must be powerful enough to utilize as a tool stop it too. It may not be the only tool we need but it is one we shouldnt ignore the potential of. I hope everyone has an anxiety free day. Thanks for reasing Mike

Thanks Ann-Marie, I am working on the "changing thought gears" thing but I will admit that it is quite the task. Ive tried dismissing the thoughts as mere folly. Ive tried intellectual rationalization to demonstrate the improbability of them. Ive tried admitting that they are about things beyond my control and I may as well be worrying about a meteor striking me. Ive even tried going to my corner of the universe through meditation. I wont give up but it is not easy to change thought tracks once they start. I guess the key is to catch them right away before they gather steam? I am studying the "Self forgiveness handbook" but that also is a slow process. I believe that may be the key for me though. The Xanax helps but man it makes me drag. Better to drag than obsess on negative thoughts though I suppose. I guess I am just looking for some "instant gratification"...even though everything I read says there is no such thing. Thursday will mark 3 weeks on the Effexor and I will bump the doseage up again. The shrink says she wants me at 150mgs. Since I havent even gotten to the correct doseage yet, much less had it level off there, I guess I am being somewhat unrealistic in my expectations. I do feel better than I did 3 weeks ago. Thanks for taking the time to respond, sometimes I look at the thread and think I am talking to myself but I see that the view numbers increase daily so I guess people are reading. If anyone has any advice or words of encouragement, please dont be shy now, ya hear? Mike

Good morning, Mike. Recognizing your negative thoughts, can you change them to positive ones? Our inner conversation patterns are there since a long time, and I feel it takes practice to change them around. It's a slow process, one step at a time, but it can be done. All the best at your therapists. Let us know how it went?

The negative thoughts are back. I was having them throughout the day yesterday and this morning when I woke up they were strong enough to cause me discomfort. When will this end? I have rationalized the thoughts to death and know they are unfounded even silly but I cant shake them or the anxiety they cause. Thinkng things from the past are going to come back and ruin my future is actually ruining my present. It is very frustrating. I have a family that deserves my attention and this thing is stealing me away from them and my life. I hate this thing. The thoughts were so pervasive this morning that I couldnt even concentrate on my meditation tapes. I am beginning to feel quite helpless. I took a Xanax and will attempt the meditation again a little later this morning. I have a therapy appointment today maybe she can screw my head back on. I am really tired of feeling this way. Thanks for reading. Is anyone still there or am I just typing in the wind? :) Mike

What seems to be happening now is a progression from the anxiety I was experiencing to a depression. I am lethargic and not really interested in anything but laying around. The negative thoughts are all but gone really, when they show their face they leave very quickly and dont cause the stress levels they were causing the last few weeks. I can lay about and let my mind wander for hours and not encounter the negative thoughts. Last week that would have been impossible. I still feel somewhat anxious in the morning but no where near as bad as it was when I started this thread. I am finding that motivation to move is now a concern. I did the lawn work today but it was like I was in a trance state. I remember the last time I had a panic/anxiety episode that a period of depression followed. Is this the usual progression? Last time I waited quite a while before seeking treatment but this time I hopped on it after two weeks of suffering. I recognized the symptoms and knew it wasnt going to go away by itself. Hopefully my quick action this time will result in a much shortened depression period. Any guidance or tips on how to speed the process along would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading Mike