Luke, You sound like you're in such a good place now, and thats fabulous! I rememeber the first time i started meds, (when i had finally been diagnosed properly), i felt the same way you do now, i could face the world again. Now, i hardly need them at all, but at least i know that they're there just in case. Obviously i hadn't been coping on my own very well, b/c it was like a downward spiral. Anyways, i've been pretty much panic free for months now, and its wonderful. I still have that looming fear that it'll come back. My panic tends to come in the form of a total breakdown, kicks my ass for about 2 weeks, and it takes months to get back to normal (withOUT reoccurences, with, it takes forever). So, i'm very happy for you luke!

Guess I was self medicating for the last few years. I was on xanax for about 8 years. Drinking wasn't much of a problem them. I guess when I wasn't getting the satisfaction I needed and started drinking more till it became out of hand. I tried stopping on my own for a few weeks at a time thinking I had it under control. Just over 3 months ago I decided I couldn€™t do it so I went to an AA meeting to help with the drinking. That€™s all I really wanted to do was stop drinking. I told my physiatrist about it and wanted to take me off xaxax. Xanax helped me so much, I felt like a normal person, panic attacks were not a problem, just the depression every few months. After a 2 months withdrawal from xanax I got really bad panic depression. I went to the doctor yesterday and gave me Paxil and Klonopin and in 24 hours I feel a total weight off my shoulders. Just want to say help is out there. Just trying to find out what work best for you it the hard part, remember the doctors are there to help. The trial and error can really wear you out. Hope you can find the help I did. It only been 24 hours and I have the will to live again, hope you can find it to. Luke

RE: this thread. hmm.. alot said here. alot to think about. Kim, :) sending you a smile

Whew! big stuff! (deep breath) I sincerely believe, the more we keep talking about it, opening up, looking at it, willing to get professional help, willing, willing, willing -- that we will keep making steps to overcoming and learning the coping skills we desperately need - we do have extra "stuff", what comes easy to others, seems to be impossible to us - at times.... sometimes that looks huge and other times it's manageable..... Kim - you ARE doing all the right things right now, you're taking action, you're willing, you're getting professional help and input - that's more than most can or are willing to do. You're already looking at your drinking as a problem - so, just keep going with everything you're doing - I know for me, as soon as I start moving in a direction I have a tendancy to want to overcome EVERYTHING, RIGHT NOW!! Even with recovery I want to overdo - that immediate gratification thing .... Beth - you're doing awesome, you are here, you're talking you're working through it, you're showing up and I believe you WILL have all your heart desires! We will NOT let our fears consume us - we CAN overcome this - well I'll just say - ****! cuz it can totally suck sometimes! but it doesn't stay that way, not if we're willing to keep going through the process of overcoming and finding what works for us - solution, coping skills - taking the fear out of the picture, taking the power out of the fear!!!!!! the more I talk to others about solution, the stronger I feel - the more I talk about what troubles me with an open willingness for direction and guidance, the stronger I feel - the less power my fears have, the less time I spend alone with my thoughts ......... I think we're doing great! it may not feel like it all the time but I look at us all and we're walking the walk, talking the talk -- willing to overcome -- looking for solutions -- showing up the best we can..... Kim, please keep showing up and talking - it helps us too -- you don't have to give all the nitty gritty details we can respect that you want to keep some things private - you don't see me sharing all the deep dark secrets here - I save that for therapy.... but, it's a common problem with a common goal, solution, coping skills - overcoming..... not feeling held hostage to our

Kim, I'm so sorry to hear that things are tough for you right now. I wrote you a while ago, and mentioned what my fears were. You fear dying alone, i fear that i will never be able to be alone, and thus will always be alone. I fear that i'll never be able to move out of my parent's house, or get married, or have a career, or anything. I just fear that i'll never be independent b/c of this disorder. I fear that if i'm alone, i will give in to it. That's the unfortunate thing about this disorder, LIFE is too much to handle. We have to think about thigns that others don't. But where else but here can we talk about it? None of us has the answers, but for me, its enough to know that i'm not alone, others have these problems too. Hope tomorrow's good to you.

Well, I am not sure what to say, except that I self medicate with alcohol... beer to be specific. I have done it for over 14 years. I have also been on antidepressants for over 16 years - on and off... Recently - 3 years ago, Doc added anti panic medication... very well known, as xanax....also very well known to be addictive. So, all of these things combined, is scary for me. BUT, I am addressing both alcohol and xanax with doctor and shrink. I do not like to get into detail on here, because I know people access my history etc... and I am very private about all of this as my job is very public... Its just a tough situation all around... gratefully, I know if I can quit smoking, I know I can do anything. Drinking needs to stop first. Then wean xanax down to Extreme Panic, versus, take one a day to ward it off...... my antidepressant... was doubled today in dosage... and that made me feel better immediately... I just dont know... {psych) asked me today what was my biggest fear... I said I fear that I am losing my mind, and it gets worse every day, and that i will grow old alone, and die in a trailer with 27 cats and nobody will find me for at least a week... when they suspect the smell of death .... Oh heck... this is no place for sarcasm... I am in trobule here folks, and working through it... bear with me... I am doing all the right things... talking to the right people, and i wont give up, until I find a comfortable and feasible solution which I will gratefully pass along right here. Thanks for listening. Street drugs are not an option for me. RX is bad enough mixed with beer.. God help me.

Kim, looks like our posts crossed in cyber-space. So glad you popped in and let us know how you were. You're on the right path, keep going....it WILL get better and it will get easier....... luv to you! -SCBB

Beth - I totally hear you and hear the fear & concern. I'll say this though -- yes, there are docs out there that don't pay attention or are easily manipulated by a patient - we think doctors are superhuman sometimes, but not all doctors are able to say "no" - if they're looking at a person that is convincing them they're IN PAIN sometimes they have troubles setting boundaries with their patients -- if the doc is allowing her to abuse the meds (and the pharmacy, they're accountable too) then, at some point the doc will be "looked into" -- I am in NO WAY excusing a doctor's lack of accountability - but it does happen... As for your friend - well, she'll have to hit a place where she acknowledges, to herself and another person, that her actions around her meds are becoming out of control and dangerous - but she's the only one who can do that -- all I could suggest, is you love her through it and pray she gets some clarity before she's seriously harmed...... fear is a powerful thing....if she knows you care, maybe she'll feel safe enough at some point to deal with this and maybe come to you for direction or help... who knows.....that doesn't mean you have to co-sign her behvior though, you can clearly let her know it bothers you and why.... Kim - since you're post was so short, I get the impression you're in a really tough spot right now - scared and confused -- so I tried to keep my response simple and clear -- I think you should talk honestly to your doctor or a therapist - or at least a close friend - about your feelings on this... it'll be the first step to taking the power out of the fear that you are having....... if I'm being to "assuming" you can tell me so - I just want you to be safe -- self medication scares me and the fact that you asked about it at this level, says to me that it's scaring you too and you don't know what to do about it....... I hope you can talk to us more about this - we obviously want to help if we can........at least we can lend you encouragement and support to overcome this spot you're in..... with luv, SCBB

Thank you kindly for your responses. I sought medical help yesterday, and met with a psychologist today. It has been an ongoing struggle for me in my panic disorder. I panic, because I am afraid to panic... I self medicate, because I don't want to abuse my panic medication.... so I drink... I cannot explain.. .but I am getting professional help. I will let you all know how it progresses and what I learn. Right now, is just the beginning. This self help stuff is for the birds! Just kidding, it is hard, but it is the right thing. I want to do what is right,and what is best... so bear with me. I am trying.

Self medication is so dangerous! I have a good friend who also has a very serious panic disorder, and the way she treats medication is frightening. She's very wealthy, and has the opportunity to try all the new kinds of therapies, drug ones especially. I've often thought that her doctor must be very reckless. She says that her medications never work, but its no wonder, b/c her doctor is changing them every month or so. And, the doctor changes dosages regularily. I thought that it was common for doctors to explain that most medications can take several weeks to start working properly, as your body finds the correct balance. How can her medications work when they're always being changed? She also likes to mix and match sometimes. She'll be too anxious to sleep, so will take a little extra, or combine 2 or 3 different ones. She finds that she sleeps better this way. However, is she sleeping, or passing out from too many drugs? Then, she wakes up with bad, if not worse anxiety, or she can't get out of bed. Um, its called a hangover. I just think its so dangerous. I don't think that she's addicted, but she is abusing her medication. I hold her doctor partially responsible for not explaining her medications thoroughly, and pointing out which ones should or should not be combined. I've often found after taking xanax in an emergency, or a clonazepam before bed always helps. However, i've also noticed that i often feel worse after they wear off. This is why i don't take anything extra unless its absolutely necessary. (I just stick to my regular dosage of celexa). I know that the medication most of us take make us feel better, but i just wish that doctors were more assertive of explaining the dangers. I think her doctor is the exception, but sometimes i wonder if he/she is just going to end up making her problem worse. I don't actually know how to bring this up with my friend, i've made suggestions in the past, but she's pretty set in her ways b/c she doesn't know that anything's wrong. Its really not my place to say anything. I think her doctor is almost criminal with the amount of medication he/she prescribes. They keep getting heavier and heavier. She's now on straight up valium. Sorry that this is so long, i'm just that worried, and i just