Hi, I guess there isn't much need to explain why I'm here. To be honest, I don't even know what's wrong with me or how to get over it.
So, really sorry if I'm redundant in my topics but I'm desperate and sick of health care professionals/medications.
I'm just going to try to get it all out (this is so difficult for me, as I tense up and my body/mund starts racing out of control) and if anyone has any clue how to point me in the right direction, I will be eternally grateful.
It' been going on forever, since a child but my symptoms have caught up with me and are making life impossible.
As a child I was a difficult sleeper, often self-inducing minor panic attacks through thoughts reflecting on existence and nothingness. They would end up in fear and crying, and a visit to my parent's bedroom. I was considered way above average, perfectionist and competitive. I was always in need of recognition.
By the age of 17, I had developed a full-blown OCD (checking, counting, touching.., the works). I tried to get help for this but doctors simply didn't acknowledge it, so I had to deal with it on my own. I read about it and learned to cope. However, it persists to this very day in a sort of covert form. I keep it under control by reverse ruling but it's always fighting to get out and sometimes does.
During Uni, I had a conversation with a former partner which almost led to suicide. It started as a philisophical one but I went full-length and found I'd taken us to a nimbo of unreality where existence was meaningless. We didn't commit but sleeping that night was probably one of the worst I can remember.
My TMJ started at nineteen. During this period I fantasised most about sexuality. I was liberal, open and brave about it. Happy about it.
Dropped Uni.
During my twenties I started my progress professionally. By 28, I had become very sucessful with a lot of public recognition. Up to this period, new symptoms emerged. As a child I was prone to sickness and pain, but I started experiencing severe back pains. And the worst thing; vertigo. It came suddenly, disappeared at 33. My success led to a period of excess night-life and drugs. Mostly cocaine. My prior attitude to sex turned sour and regretted most of my explorations and thoughts when sober. I developed a very different personality when I was high. I'm 40 now, and my night frolics ended 3 or 4 years ago.
A failed miserably in my career in my thirties and didn't no how to get out but never really felt depressed but I was starting to tense up and never being able to relax. Nowadays, there is no relax. I'm perpetually tense and clenched up. The last time I woke up relaxed (two years ago), I cried of sheer joy. Never again.
My father died 7 years ago, and I don't seem to have cared enough and because of his economical problems, and those produced through inheritance, My relationship with my family is awful. I only hold love for my grandparents. I sometimes wish they were dead so I could run away from my nuclear family.
Doctor's started 4/5 years ago. Strangely with a specialized dentist in TMJ. Diagnostic: Central sensitivity. Diagnosis: Specialized fisiotherapy (including diet, exercises, and so on) and cognitive therapy. Diet discipline was ok, at least I lost weight. The rest was useless. Phisiotherapy was half placebo and the psychologist was all very standard and she basically gave up on me. "You're too intelligent for this and might need pills". Those were her last words.
Of course I've always experienced levels of unbearable anxiety but a few months ago I got a severe attack. Ended up in ER. Long story short, off to the psychiatrist. So, turns out I'm supposed to be ADHD. I'm put on Lyrica/Sertraline for anxiety. Big dosage. Huge side effects at first but got used to it and was ok at the very beginning. Pointless now. Like popping Smarties. We tried, Ritalin to see its effects. Drove me up the walls, like taking cocaine. So, we've delayed AD treatment.
So here I am. A 40 year old on the verge of melting down. Not a single day that I don't wake up feeling terrible. It takes me ages to get up and running. And, sometimes I just want to lay down and sleep again. I try to hold up.
Tense, always. Low, very Low. Fatigued, tired. But, restless. Wanting to do things but unable. Minor things seem like mountains. Something in my brain stops me from taking all those little steps that life needs to move on. So, I indulge in intensive internet reading or poker which helps me focus and helps me keep up. Or just procrastinate.
I need work to be fast, verbal. Explosive! I cant' face routine without feeling sick.
I try to do the things I need to make a living in bursts but I can't be regular.
I'm in a long-term relationship and she's not particularly good with the situation. I've come to understand how difficult it is for her.
Ok, I need to wrap this up. I would cry now, I know I should after my reflections but I can't bring myself to tears. Even past emotional outbursts are fading. Nothing. I feel nothing. All the things I used to love mean nothing. Not music, not film. Not even sex. I need to go into hypnotic states to survive. And, I'll have to reproduce ad infinitum repetitive thoughts before going to sleep. Sometimes even causing harm to others, to the world.
Oh yeah, guilt, frustration.
So much in the back of my head.
Is there a way out?
Is anyone experienced enough to go by my clues?
I need help. Truly. Not a lot of cards left in the deck.
Amilcar.
PS. Really sorry for the length of the text. I'm aware this not be the right way to introduce myself. Sorry.
