Hi ~m,

I tried to upload a picture of a rock balance as an icon on my profile but the file was too big. Looking forward to hearing how you do with trying the rock balancing out. Mind you, you have 4 pets, so I am sure that keeps you busy enough. Nice to hear from you.

Blackwood

Hi Ashley,

So nice to hear from you and know you are there. I think that I am not capable of solving the question of what to do beyond trying to get better. I leave the problem of finding meaning and purpose until I have found a way to get through this depression enough to be more functional on a day to day basis. I will try to take your advice and see if I can identify WHAT my feelings are when I am not doing well. Lately I feel a lot of anxiety, sadness, loss (of the relationship and his love), loneliness, hopelessness,disappointment, discouragement, and a feeling of futility. I feel lost, and my compass is broken.

On a brighter note, I did go out today with a friend and we walked by the ocean and talked and visited. I felt much happier when I had company. I appreciate your note, your advice, and knowing you're there.

Thank You,

Blackwood

Hi Blackwood,

 

It sounds like you really considered the question and hit a road block in a few places.  It can be hard to focus on what's next when right now all you are looking for is a break!  How would you feel if you just took now to focus on the program and you?  Instead of focusing on the doing what about the being? Right now how do you want to be (feeling, focusing, thinking, etc.)?

Hi ~m,

thanks for your message, nice to start a dialogue with you. I was very interested  to read what you said about Zentangling. I had never heard of it before. I did some internet searching, and was fascinated to see what it was and how varied the possibilites. My depression has squashed my creativity, and I have been unable to do any art work since my classes at art school ended. I might be able to try this though, because the nature of it is not demanding, and there are no preconceived expectations of the outcome. I can see that it could be very soothing and very consuming. I like your analogy about the Zentangling drawings resembling the way you have broken down your CBT work into a step by step method. It reminds me of the old question..."Q......How do you eat an elephant? A....One bite at a time." It is good for me to be reminded to do that. Breaking things down into do-able components makes most things easier. Thanks for pointing that out to me. I need to be reminded of that when things get overwhelming. I live by the ocean, and I like to do rock balances at the beach. I just use rocks that i find there  and stack them one on top of the other. I try to get at least 8 of them in a stack, sometimes I can only get less, sometimes, more. For me this is a very meditative process. It requires a lot of patience, as the stack can fall and it usually does as you build it, and you have to start again. As each new rock is added,  you have to keep the whole thing stable. I have some tiny stones about an inch in size in my house. I make a tiny rock balance from them. I have two tiney rock balances on my bathroom counter from  little stones I got in Hawaii. Every once in awhile, they fall and I build them back up. When people see them, they think they are glued together, but they are not, they are held together with gravity and balance only. If you google  rock balancing you will see what I'm talking about. Maybe you have tried it. with a bit of practice one develops a knack. It is fun, and you can do it in the woods, or fields or beach, if you live near a river or lake or ocean. Sometimes they last for weeks or months, sometimes they only last minutes. A lot of people enjoy seeing them like public, but temporary works of art. I'd be interested to know if you've seen or heard of rock balancing or if you have tried it yourself.

What kind of critters do you have? My dog is a maltese/poodle cross. a loving, cuddly, white fluff ball. You are so right that we are lucky to have our pets.

 

I will let you know how the Zentangling  goes when I try it. Thanks for telling me about it, ~m.

 

Blackwood

 

As for your question about what art I do... it's more like crafts and stuff.  I don't have any training or anything.  I just like to make things... altered books, oil lamps out of wine bottles, crochet, greeting cards... just stuff.  My latest passion is Zentangling which is a kind of meditative drawing.  You might really enjoy it too.  Just do a search online and you will find a lot of inspiration and explanations about it.  

Practicing this type of drawing has really helped me a lot with the CBT... it is all about breaking things down to one stroke of the pen and then building from there.  Kind of like what I've had to do with the CBT... I had to keep breaking things down (goals, thought patterns, mood trackers) to the most basic of elements before I understood what some of my core beliefs are that started the whole tangled mess of my life.  It is hard work.  Let me tell you.  Very frustrating at first.  But it has gotten easier (both the CBT and the Tangling) as my abilities, insight, and confidence has grown.

Hello Ashley,

 

Thank you for your message. It was very soothing to read it. Although I haven't been able to cry in a long time, big tears rolled down my cheeks as I read your words. I am not sure why. Your message was very kind and I liked that you reframed my situation of being alone, as an opportunity to do something new, because I have nobody to answer to, nobody tying me down. If only I could think of what to do. I should mention that I have a little dog, and that limits my ability to travel.

 

I went away for a week in January, to give myself something to look forward to and to enjoy, because my boyfriend and I used to go to Mexico or somewhere sunny every winter. I felt bad that those happy times were over. I find winter so long and depressing, the sun really helps, and looking forward to it helps too. So I decided to go to Hawaii, where there were no memories of him, and of us. It cost me a lot of money, but I worked hard, and made sacrifices to do it. It ended up being the loneliest time of my life, alone in Hawaii, eating in restaurants alone, nobody to talk to, it was awful. I couldn't wait to go home, it just underscored how much I missed hm and how sad and lonely I am. It just goes to show you, if you aren't happy, even paradise can be miserable. And it is proof that it doesn't matter where you go, if someone is depressed or lonely, that goes with them. Hawaii was beautiful, but I wished I had stayed home, I did not enjoy it the way I should have. So now I know that i never want to travel alone again. Maybe in a tour, but never alone like that, it was too hard. I wasn't well enough to do a thing like that. Sometimes i feel like going away, but I am afraid to be alone and away from home.

 

So when you ask me what I would like to do, I draw a blank. My mind has scrambled to try to answer this question.."What Now?" I have thought about joining a convent (I was raised Catholic). I looked at different ones online, and most have a cut off age of 55. I also know that deep down, I would just be hiding from my problems, and although a convent offers unconditional acceptance and a sense of belonging, I know it is not the answer. I think about going to some third world country to look after orphans or teach children to read. I have a lot of love to give, and I feel like I could give my love to those who need it most, those who have nobody to love them. Then I realize, that I feel unloved too, and maybe "charity begins at home" and should work on learning to love myself first. I don't know where to begin. I am afraid of going to Africa because well intentioned missionaries and relief workers sometimes end up raped or killed. It can be very dangerous, and although I am not afraid of hard work, I am afraid of violence. Sometimes I think about renting out my condo, and going on an extended holiday to Europe, to see all the works of art and beautiful cities that I have read about all my life. But the thought of doing it alone is terrible.

 

My dog is a therapy pet. I take her to visit people in hospital. For obvious reasons, I chose to visit the mental health ward, the mood disorder ward. I did it for almost 2 years, then had to stop this spring because I was stretched so thin with work, art school and feeling so depressed. I was taking 3 art courses working toward my diploma of Fine Art, but I have lost my motivation, and don't see the point in that any more. I don't feel like I have any talent, and juggling school with my cleaning jobs was wearing me out.

I have been thinking of going back to the pet therapy visits, but I know if I do, I will be obliged to continue every week, and right now I don't want any more responsibilities or obligations. It is enough that I clean house for 8 people, have my own home to look after, and I am on the