Hello
I am new here, but not new to depression. I have read as far as Goals and Activities but am already discouraged. It is suggesting that I eat better, sleep better, do a balance of pleasant and unpleasant things and that will help my mood. However, I think I already do so much of that but it hasn't helped me feel better. I am still plagued with negativity even on the brightest sunny day. I eat 3 meals a day, homemade, organic, mostly raw fruits and veggies, some homemade breads, very little dairy, no meat but instead a lot of beans and seeds. I go to bed around 10 pm every day but it takes me an hour to fall asleep, I wake up several times a night, toss and turn, sometimes get up and work, by 6:30 am I am awke and out of bed by 7 am. I do not nap during the day. I exercise a minimum of 2 x 1hr per week but usually more. That is, I have 2 karate classes every week but in addition I sometimes go for walks, lift light weights, use a stationary bike, swim, ice skate etc for an average of another 3 hours per week. Also, I have 5 kids so I am not exactly sitting down all day! I do not hide away from the world. I homeschool my children, when I am not working in my home office. I take them to many excursions and group activities. I cook, I clean, I teach, I garden, I exercise...I keep very busy. I watch an hour of TV every week, I watch at least one movie every week (I love movies), I read at least one book a month. I do thinks for me also, not just everyone elsel. The problem is I am crying constantly. I cry when I wake up. I feel worthless. I feel alone. I find it difficult to get out of bed...every chore is a challenge. I constantly screw up because I can't concentrate. I am crying so much while driving, I can not drive well. I always spill things, I have trouble speaking, I am irritable, and have fits of rage when little things don't work right. Then in my fit I get hurt, hurt someone else, or break something and then I feel even worse about myself. I am doing the right things, so I think, but my thoughts are the worst ever.
So why do I feel this way? If I eat well, sleep regularly, exercise daily, have a great life with great kids, why do I hate myself so much? Am I just a bad person? What have I done wrong?
