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for 15 år siden 0 +0 / -0 456

good evening matman.

I agree that media in general teaches us only half of the social relationships we need! We tend to be force fed the glamourous life and we are told that consumtion is the solution to many of the troubles we face. Buy something and it will sooth you. It will relax you. It will take care of you.

Censorship solves nothing. It is more a matter of solving an addiction? Or filling the void? If we as a society are learning about relationships and about emotional maturity from the media rather that from life experiences then there are voids in our lives... There is something missing to help guide us when we are young... Reliable role models, capable parents, the list go on... right? TV, Radio, Magasines, all entertain and inform and fill the void where people should be in our young lives. And as we learn to search these sources for answers when we are young, they continue to be our primary references as we become teens... and shape the adults we want to be. etc.

Life today is still all about getting the basics for survival. It is how we interact with each other and with technology that has really changed. We try to cram more and more in a limited time to be like them ... We try to be happy with the formulas we are given; and zip (zap) from one to another hoping to find the right one for right now. We have the technology to be in contact with everyone all the time. We have the technology to tie us to all the remotest parts of the planet and space.

And Yet the greatest mysteries that human kind has been pondering since we found a leasure moment around a fire are still around...

for 15 år siden 0 +0 / -0 30

Thanks Wildcat,

What you said really made a lot of sense. Probably made the most sense out of anything I heard. My parents tell me this, but they have to tell me this, they're my parents and that' s thier job. But, to hear it from an anonomyus person who is impatial is different.

Furgittit is absoulutely right, you're a fountain of information, which is what I meant by my "half-compliment" about you having experience. I know depression is never a good experience. This site is awesome because it allows you to reach out and be accepted.

I've never believed the media to be a culprit of anything and I've never beleived in censorship. I am not trying to steer this into a political or moral discussion, but I now think the media is a large part to blame for the way we think and shaped our attitudes. It can do this to you without you knowing it. That and we have more anxiety with day-to-day life more than we did before, which causes us to rush things faster than the pace they come at you. Lonliness is my problem, but joined with a lot of anxiety with not just relationships, but also the job, debt, just life.

I know what I have to do, it's a matter of altering the thought process that has allowed me to develop my problem. Easier said than done, I know.

Again, thank you Wildcat.

for 15 år siden 0 +0 / -0 271

The loneliness I can understand, it can be overwhelming, I spent the majority of my life being alone while being surrounded by nameless, faceless, and clueless individuals. I always had lots of "friends" and lots to do, while no-one really knew what was going on underneath, I was never truly alone.

To me loneliness is not knowing that there are other people out there who have experienced the loneliness, feelings of an outcast while still being on the in. This website is a terrific place that allows you to come out at your own pace and not be judged.

I am still trying to be comfortable by myself, before I start to invite others back into my life. I still have my husband and kids they will always be there but they understand that when I need to be alone, that it is best to let me be. The ones that don't understand this are my friends and parents, they always assume that I am mad at them because I am not calling as much, or talking as much or visiting as much. They don't understand that I need to work through this alone.

Short insight, I went from my mom and dad, to my mom, to my dad, to my mom, to my dad and so on then I got pregnant @ 16 to my husband, to 3 kids in total, to looking after and taking care of kids, hubby, dad and mom and friends. (Caregiver? Yes. Need a break? Yes! Anyone I take care of understand? Yes and No!!)

So right now I am working on being comfortable with me and then I think I will reintroduce myself to everyone else.

Wildcat is always a fountain of information and I agree that you cannot progress with others until you learn to live with who you are.

Take care.

for 15 år siden 0 +0 / -0 456

Hi matman.

thank you, I think... maybe I have a bit too much experience with being depressed and anxiety driven thanks to my bipolarity.

When I was an inexperenced 21 yr-old (as opposed to the very experienced 21 yr old I am now - the year I stopped counting my age and just added experience) I was often lonely in a crowd! Mostly because I could not find anyone who was like me... Old on the inside, yet young on the outside. I grew up too fast thanks to some difficult parents ... and this illness that made me -different.

To tell you the truth the right one will never come along if you are not happy with being with yourself. If you are not your own best friend and do not enjoy being with yourself a partner will feel the tension and need to escape the termoil. If you need to run away from yourself to another then others will also... So I discovered many moons ago!!! And it is not analysing that will help. It is release. It is the letting go and trusting the instinct that will bring all in place.

Here Is How I understand IT... We are hardwired to be social. To meet and interact in groups. 10,000 years ago; When we do something wrong we retreat from the group, are depressed to learn the lesson to keep the group cohesive and then come back to the group... but in the 21st cent. the hardwiring doesn't work at 100% and we get stuck in the depressed cycles. We no longer know how to come back to the group. We get stuck in the runinations of anxiety. We feed the social phobias.

So Matman. Maybe an outing would help you to change your negative think patterns. I do not know if your library has lectures, or a community center invites artists. Maybe a coffee-shop book store somewhere close by is a place to start to smile at the cash person? Not to meet the love of your live - but to open your circle for friends - boys and girls, men and women.

for 15 år siden 0 +0 / -0 30

Thanks Ashley and Wildcat,

Wildcat, it sounds like you've been through a lot, I've seen some of your other posts on here and you have a lot to offer.

I've done a lot of analyzing and re-analyzing my life in the past little while. My biggest problem is that I dwell on things too much and one thing in particular- that I am still single after many unsuccessful dating attempts. Sometimes it' s my fault, sometimes her fault, but I learn something about myself from each experience and how I should tackle the next one.

I know I have a lot to offer, my family tells me that. Friends and family also tell me the right one will come along when I least expect it and I shouldn' t go looking for "it", I should just enjoy life. When I think rationally, I can relaize that but for just a few seconds, but I have this feeling of lonliness ingrained inside of me so much that it' s attached to me with evrything I do and I feel like I am trapped.

What are some tricks I can do to stop myself from dwelling on it, the more I dwell the more loney and un-motivated I feel and the more I over-analyze everything. Of course, it's just a downwards spiral from there.

Ashley, you're right I am a natural extrovert. That is, when someone initiates a conversation with me and once you start me up I am good to go. But, I allways feel awkward with intiating the conversation myself, or I fear that I'll say something stupid. I allways feel that if I go to a bar, or a party, or go to any other social gathering, I'll feel that I'll be looked at as the loner, and akward single guy and just feel out of place. So, I just don't go.

I get angry at myslef and feel restless. I've never thought about suicide beofre (which is good), but when I get to my lowest points, I've felt like hurting myself just enough that my parents and a doctor will force me to get some physcological help, because then at least they forced me to get it and I don' t have to do it. Sounds stupid I know.

Your help has been appreciated.

Matt.

for 15 år siden 0 +0 / -0 456

when I was out sick and ready to live life like a hermit ... I forced myself into routeins that brought me into contact with people...

Every Tuesday I would take a book at the library and talk with the librarian for 15 to 20 minutes. I would have a Wednesday Lunch at the deli where spagheti was 4$ and the crowd did not start till 12:15 (i left at 12)... and would talk to my waitress. I would get fresh breads at certain days... I would get the paper and a small coffee from the same corner store same time every day...

The first weeks I managed a hi and ran home to hide ... I had some serious social phobias come out with my depression. But with time and some help from the 9 o'clock Thursday group... I got back into the swing of things. I am not back and volunteering with the mommie's group but that is another story altogether!!!

for 15 år siden 0 +0 / -0 11226

Matman,

This is a great discussion topic. I am sure members will have a lot of great suggestions

Posting on here is a great start
Joining teams or groups in your community
Volunteering is often an overlooked option. Many members find volunteering to be very therapeutic!
Getting a pet. Just being with the pet is great but there is also tons of lessons and programs you can go to where you can meet people. Also, you would be surprised how easy it is to meet people when you have a dog walking with you.
When home alone leave the radio on in the background. Try not to leave the television on as it often takes up too much time.
Human touch is also important. Next time you see your parents give them a big hug.

Most importantly you mentioned you were shy. Some people are naturally introverted but from what you have wrote you seem like you could be a natural extrovert. Your shyness may be holding you back. Perhaps, when you are ready, challenging your shyness would be a great option.

Reach out to people. Ask questions, take interest and plan get togethers. Do not fear rejection. Learn from past relationships but don't let them hurt you enough so you are too scared to flourish in other relationships. If you continue to hold back in social settings in attempt to protect yourself you are actually doing the opposite. You are harming yourself by preventing potential relationships. Lastly, be yourself. Most people are drawn to genuine people. If you just act like yourself, say what ison your mind and stay respectful and kind others will like you. If not, then the relationship probably wouldn't be beneficial for you anyways.

Matman, you sounds like an amazing person, let others see that.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

for 15 år siden 0 +0 / -0 30

Hey y'all.

I am feeling better today, which is good. But, I have an overall feeling of lonliness all the time. I've gone from living with my parents and doing almost everything with them, to living on my own. I only know that my feelings will creep back, but I am trying to keep them at bay. I am also a shy guy with social situations and I get intimidated easily. Through work, I see members of the public all the time because I get paid for it, but outside of work it's a different storey.

What are some of the things other people do to combat the loliness problem?

thanks, Matt.

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