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this month's psy exercise...

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this month's psy exercise...

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Patrick / Daily Llama,

Do you know how much this means to me??

It tells me that you follow my meandering stories, and pay attention to the highs and lows and efforts I put into maintaining my stability / sanity. That is really great of you. thank you for being such a good on-line friend. I really appreciate it all!!!

Merci le grand!

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 1890

You're doing all that you can to weather these storms you have from week to week and month to month, Wildcat. You have a doctor and a psychiatrist looking out for you and you are always focused on problem-solving in your own journey through the bipolar world you live in... You have a good husband and two great kids and a home and both of you have good jobs and the kids are getting the attention they need from both of you. You are working on yourself all the time and that is powerful. You never complain about your husband so he must be a good man and a loving partner...

Nothing is perfect. You live with a lot of stress due to your condition but you never let the stress break you or drive you to bed. You are a battler and that's what I admire most about you.... I also admire the way you engineer your writing into "living" sketches of your life and your acute rendering of your aesthetics.

Patrick

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

okay. so where does this go now. I keep repeating the pattern. Why? it is not like I am blind, I see it, I certainly feel it and still, bonzai. I am the first to canonball into the well!

The psychologist thinks it is the bipolar chemical imbalance that pushes my beyond the "normal" range of emotional response. She can go over and over the errors in thinking but unless I stablise the chemical imbalance she feels I am not going anywhere but round a circle.

I do not know what the psychiatrist thinks. of course I hid a few things. Not on purpose, only the really embarrassing (honteux) stuff. I always justify a mood with something, rather see the mood as driving me overreact to a situation. A casual word between others and another day .. it sparks a laugh (you have a maid) and in a "bad" mood it sparks a spiral inside. In a "bad" mood EVERYONE (strangers male and female, family, etc) starts looking attractive and Chouette could not possibly mind ... I blame the stress and fatigue for the need to escape ... but anything would have driven me to escape. It had before.

So where do I go from here? What do I say to a doctor? Hey I lose controle of my my head and heart drug me into a stupor so i feel nothing. Gimme the good stuff.

okay thats it for tonight.

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

hi gang,

I think I have some things to sort out so if I ramble, go on to the next post...

I spent the end of may and the begining of june in a miserable crisis.

I wanted to preform, I wanted to complete my responsibilities. There was the time running out. There was the pressure from coleagues. There was the need to have the numbers look good. I wanted to impress them on the other side of the cubicles. I saw the end coming quickly. I saw the sand spilling through my fingers and I had no way to stop it... so I used more of it to accomplish my tasks and ignored me.

I wanted the rewards. I wanted to let loose and not think of budgets and necessities. I saw overtime as a gift, and kept spending to find the reward. I wanted the acolades. I wanted the recognition of being terrific. I wanted to be "normal". I mean I wanted to be like the others; work hard today and rest tommorrow and back to normal on day three.

I wanted to prove -again- that I am worthy of affection, trust, and responsibility. I wanted to prove to myself I am like the others. I am not. I am easily distracted, I didn't get it all done. I am not. I saw their sharing of secrets, of -something- of friendship? I am not anyone's friend.

Ok. So I got past that. Why do I follow that road everytime I get stressed? Why do I automatically go to implode? Why do I feel miserable and worthless and sad that life has so little value? When I am myself and strong and rested I KNOW these are errors in thinking. I KNOW how to detour and eleminate them. But stressed, fatigued, pressed I crash. Others get tired and pull out. Others rest and come back health and ready. i crash... i hate the world ... i want to run and hide far away ... i need to abandon everything to heal. i need to leave my life, my love behind to survive. I always have had to... as a teen it was so painful to not care what my father did to my grandparents in order to heal what he did to my mind and what i did to myself. I escaped and lived alone and ignored my family to get through school. As a child I kept going back to my mother but I could not be with her for more than a year or so ... she took so much from me, attention, affection, maintenance. And eventually i ran out and needed to leave to heal. As a young adult I was self-reliant and cherished my solitude. I was lonely and yet needed to be alone.

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

hi lady, I have been a (aidant-naturelle?) natual-helper for most of my life. as a child i was the emotional support for my mother. at 18 I was the parent to my younger sister. so when to bringing a situation back to calm I am GGRREEAAT! i jave a goal and some profection of perfection to attain. I am happy working towards that goal. My I have to find everyday moments that i am content with and maintain that feeling. not let the intensity fall. I have to learn what Normal people feel on a daily basis and live with that. No projects, no plans, no unpredictable situation. Just be content with the simple BOREDOM of everyday living.

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 1288

Lady, Everyone has different ways of reacting to different situations. Some people can handle stressful situations better then others and some like the intensity of a more intense situation. Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 5195

WOW! No crisis to solve. Be happy being me. I function quite well in crisis mode. I don't know how to be happy or how to just "be". If there isn't some intense crisis available, I tend to create on in my own mind. What is up with that? I'm feeling pretty good today so I can think logically. I realize I'm not logical at all. Why is it that we can function in the midst of crisis but fall apart when all is well?

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

So after all that crying and resistance... and looking for the right answer with the psy, I discovered that all I ever do is preform. I want to be right, I want to be a good person I want to be acceptable. I am not me. I cannot say "I am". so this month, I have to take every opportunity to see: am I comfortable in this moment? am I working to be -to be me, towards my comfort- or am I working to be something -towards an exterior goal? imagine I was afraid that if I did not do what the psy said I had to do and learn the skills she was showing me I was petrified of being abandonned by her then and there. I wanted to have all the right answers for her, I wanted to tell her how everything was progressing PERFECTLY. So she would not be discouraged with me, so she would see that I am -good, stronge, worthy... we also talked about this notion of exterior goals... because LIFE is boring now for me. I do not have this period of intense learning, I do not have any new tasks or projects, life has not presented me any crisis to solve. IT IS BORING! IT IS POINTLESS! so I have to work the inside... I need to Be ... I want to learn some serenity to accept the here; the now. I want to learn to be happy with what is around me now and appreciate what I have done!!! This is going to be a tough month.

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