Hi patrick, Have tried and tried to access the im. husband also tried. all my pop up blockers are off. have tried through netscape, firefox, safari. all just wont let me proceed and i cant even read your message. There has to be a way I can chat with you guys. Trying to be positive and pro active but coming up against brick walls at every turn. Just nothing is working. The damn medication, 1st available appointment with my N.H.S Dr 4 weeks time, how unhelpful is that! Dont know where to turn next. Just cant get out of the house, panic sets in at every oppertunity. Have got out of my bed this morning with such difficulty but am up but want to crawl back there so dont feel the sweats and panic as much. Have many phone calls to make today and cant even face the 1st one. No one would understand me through the sobs. what a mess. x

Gabs, I see that you're offline in the IM thing and I sent you a little message. Can you even read the message? I hope you get it sorted out soon...

Gabs, Josie says that the IM should be open to either system - IBM or Apple and all you have to do is make sure that you Pop-Up Blocker is switched off for the DC site. Make it a Trusted Site if you have such a possibility in your Security Programme. I have no idea about Mac. never used one... All that 'shocks' and shortness of breath sounds to me (not a doctor!) like yer basic withdrawal symptoms from morphine. Slap a patch on and keep breathing. oxo

Gabs I hope you are feeling better. I'm afraid I don't have much to offer right now. Keep taking those deep breaths. I do that quite often myself. You have real value in this world Gags. You must believe that because it is true. HOPE... is something that you need. Hope for a better tomorrow has gotten me through many, many hard times. Without Hope we have nothing. Hang on to hope with all your might. You do have a better tomorrow ahead. Keep searching until you find your solution. The fact that you search means that you will find an answer. You cannot give up. You never know just how close you really are to finding the answers you are looking for. Wear out your knees. Stay on them as long as you need to. God has you in the palm of his hand and he isn't going to let you go. His word tells us that and I believe it.

Patrick thanks for the response. have done the breathing and feel just ok to type. i got the lofepromine from the same m.D but as it wasnt doing its job effectively after 2 years he thought that maybe a change would be right. It was this M.D who faxed my usless G.P who only gave me 4 days supply. Yes you are right the idea being that i was supposed to go back for a follow up now that i'm not an inpatient. That door has now been closed as it was private. Yes the N.H.S will prescribe but with no follow up or support if it goes tits up. As for the morphine it was a mistake to not take it. As i was going cold turkey with the lofepramine and clonazepam so i could start new meds I was so out of it I forgot what time/day it was and just didnt take it. Thats why in these circumstances we need someone to think for us for a while to make sure that the essential things are done for us, but if you dont have that luxury, its down to self reliance. i forgot so had withdrawal from that also. No wonder i'm in such a mess. I have an appointment with the spinal surgeon on 2nd November. Maybe they can help with the pain but they wont do anything about psych even though the whole pain issue was what through me into this downward spiral. Different department. I just want someone to look at me as a whole person and take all into acount. I am in the throughs of menapause and are on HRT patches. God what a junkie! would rather be back at the place I was a month ago even though that wasnt good I could still function a little. MD just called while I type to you and has said in view of the circumstances he thinks go back onto what we know (lofepramine) he will write to my G.P and then I am in the hands of the N.H.S. not ideal but its where i'm at. This country just sucks at medical. How I wish I was back in S.A where i have to say you have some of the finest medical help. Gosh the bad feelings have swooped over agin. its like a rush, a shiver of electric shocks. why do I stop breathig. Keep holding my breath? will work the deep breathing you suggest again. sorry must go lie down, feel very sick. x

Gabs, Did you get the Lofrepramine from another Md? Why can't you phone him/her and see if he'll advise you to go back on them. Maybe I missed something in your posts but why haven't you been taking your morphine?? What is the point of 4 days worth of the Mirtaz? Are you supposed to call in for more now that you're not an inpatient?? To whom if not to the geezer who prescribed them originally?? They're covered under the National Health aren't they? It may all look like crap right now but you'll come out of it into a new day. Never mind the going out for now, Gabs, just dry your eyes and sit on the floor and breathe in slowly (count of 4) and hold it. Now breathe out equally slowly (count of 5). Repeat until calmer. Do that over and over with slow, deliberate counts in your head. Feel the oxygen going in and the CO2 going out. Empty your lungs of the toxins and feel them leaving you. Feel the oxygen going in and through to the blood and into your muscles. If you get dizzy, lie down for a minute on the floor until it passes and sit up and do it all over again. Squueze those lungs and inflate those lungs. One after the other. Again and again until you feel the calm coming into your brain. I think this episode you're having will end when you're back on meds you trust and when you're taking your chronic pain meds. Call your MD. Or email him. Or his secretary. Don't take anything you're not totally confident in...ask your doctor. I'm a believer in chamomile tea and thick soups. Try not to brood over the stuff your 'scared' son was saying yesterday. Kids love you but he's working his own agenda also. He may be mixing up his 'help' motives?? Your life hasn't 'ended up' at all. This is not permanent, Gabs, there's help in meds and live groups and this site. Don't go quiet. Keep talking in here oxo

Patrick, Have searched and searched this site and seem to have lost the ability to navigate around and find replies, so bad, cant get up, no way of getting out of the house trembling. Have no insurance or money to get the help and support needed. Cant even have an appointment with the guy who prescribed the mirtazapine as he's private. Reason he didnt give over any advice was i was supposed to be an in patient and they would have watched over me and seen me through, talked about it all then. As that couldnt happen I was just faxed a prescription and left to get on with things. 3 weeks ago I was bad but knowwhere like now. I wonder until i can find the help I need if it wouldn't be best to go back on the lofepramine as i know it agrees with me and has seen my through the past couple of years. I would then be at a functional level to make phone calls and find help. cant function at all. some advice has been to go out and take a walk, i cant even walk down the stairs, not only through the back pain but because of the hell of taking no drugs whatsoever for the past week. I am desperate and dont know where to turn. Seems most people on the site are in the place i was 3 weeks ago and have some o.k moments even if they are brief and hard won. I really am in jack s... cant see as I'm typing this, how did my life end up this way? All avenues tried for help over the past few days have been blocked. I need something I know that. But I cant deal the new drug alone, they have only given me 4 days supply anyway and I cant go back to the same doc for more. Please give your thoughts its all spinning totally out of control. Have no friends locally to call on. No one. cant stand this feeling sheer panic srticken.

Gabs, I looked up Mirtazapine and it's a tetracyclic anti-dep. It's a bit like Effexor since it has SSRI and NERI but, somewhat paradoxically, it has a sedative effect also. The article I read gives a mild warning about the extra-sedative effect it has when combined with opiates. The lowest dose is 7.5mg. The highest is 45mg. There is instance of weight gain, but I didn't read anything about nightmares... why don't you call the chemist at the hospital and ask him/her to please tell you about the drug; I know that you might get short shrift by trying to get a clear description from your consultant over the phone. Why didn't he/she tell you about the drug when he/she prescribed it for you?? Your son cares deeply for his Mum and her illness but his advice to drop the meds is a bit too radical. I know he and his sister want you to "go back" to being the way you were and that taking away the chemicals "must be the answer". The thing is you're dealing with a tough illness and the fact that it's not 'simple', like Mono or whatever, makes your son and daughter (husband?) non-plussed. "Mommy was Mommy just a while ago and now she's completely different and we don't like it!" Of course not. They don't get it. They must learn about MDD. By the by, is this happening to you before or after menopause?? Tall order if it's all happening at once. How about seeing a female MD?? More sympathy. Mister Consultant (the ones I knew in England/Ireland) might not be the best, most sympathetic ear for such a complex set of deficits. Hang in. OXO

dumpling, thanks, a hug would be so great! And so needed. I want my mum. At 53 i miss her so. My son poped round as I plucked up the courage to ask for his help. Funny thing trying to hide things from your adult kids, still being the mum and trying to protect them. Dont want them to be in the same position as I am with my father during the best years of their life. Still 1st thing he said to me was Mum you look terrible, you did Sunday and have done for a time. Dad also looks rough, he cant cope with you and doesnt know how to help. We all dont. Dont take the bloody tablets we want you back and if you have withdrawl symptoms they wont last forever. Then we concentrate on the pain medication and get that right. It all started with the terrible pain and we have to sort that. Now your heads stuffed and we cant even talk to you. You shout, cry and it cant be good to be taking all these things. Your right, we have been avoiding you. your just not you anymore. i want to help and dont know how. I love him for this but I'm really not sure that I can cope without any anti depressants I have gone too low. How can he understand that. But I will try for another couple of days to go totally without and then review the situation. My new prescription is for Mirtazapine. Has anyone taken it and what is your thoughts. I am terrified of the side effects. The insert says nightmares and uncontrolable hunger. would love some feedback before i pop one of these. Feel better now that my son knows, he says my daughter already knows but is very upset and finds it terrrible to hear her mum and Dad fighting and me being horrible all the time. Thats how the world sees mental health, not as an illness but us being horrible or unreasonable or angry and and and. Tomorrow I am starting to work through session 2. my goal is to organise my lounge. (the paper work pile is going in a box) i have a millitary service next week at my home. Not sure i am up to this but will have to be, its an annual rememberance for a serviceman who died at my home in the battle of Britain. he was only 21, we have to honour the brave. So I will pray that day for all the brave people who log on to this site who go into battle everyday just to get through the day. That is my goal for this week, to make this service happen. guess that means I have my own battle in Britain to make it. x

Oh Gabs, I would just like to fly over there and hold you! I know exactly how you feel. It's how I felt for most of September. But you must hang in there. Your hubby just sits there because he doesn't know what to do. He can't understand and doesn't know how to support you. In every marriage people feel like walking out at times. I have been married 40 years and have often thought I would like to walk away. And I am sure my husband has too. But the end is worth it. Someone who knows you better than anyone else. Have you ever thought about talking to your father? I know you don't want to burden him, but I am sure he would appreciate being asked to help, rather than just accepting help from you. That can be a great gift to a parent, to feel needed. Have you thought about a live support group? It will be hard to drag yourself out to it but you can say anything without feel of burdening those you love. And they are usually free. But now you need to sleep. No praying or begging, just rock yourself to sleep. Or ask hubby for a back massage. It will help him to feel that he is doing what he can.