Hi Caro I'm glad that you enjoy my posts -- I'm so wordy, but it helps me to write them, to get my thoughts down on paper. I wrote a rather lengthy introduction when I first started this program back at the beginning of April. Lost in the deluge of posts from people like us, looking to help ease ourselves somehow through our journeys. April 6, I think, if youd like to read it. Belonging is kind of elusive, I think. It's a feeling, so we can have always been part of a group but still feel that we don't belong. I dont know that I ever felt as though I belonged in my family. They are truly wonderful people and I love and admire them immensely. Too much, perhaps. I hear you when you say that you dont identify with any family member Ive always thought this was something wrong in me, since they are such good people. Kind of: If Im to be a good person as well, then I need to be more like them. And until Im like them, Im not good enough. But try as I might, I could never quite fit. I think thats what sent me travelling in the first place: a search for myself and a place where I felt I belonged. My dad said to me once that people often search the world for something that is right there in their backyard. A recent family crisis strangely shook my foundations what I thought was reality was suddenly not and I realized that its ok for me to see the world differently to the rest of my family. Im never going to want the same things as they do, or prioritise things in the same way, but that doesnt mean that Im flaky or wrong. Its a good feeling, actually, to be free of trying to fit when I dont. I still love them dearly, I just am not so bothered about being like them. New thoughts: I am the person I need to be and want to be, and I like myself. Your last questions about whether or not my family know about my depression and support me? My mother and my sister know, but they dont really understand it and have made no effort to learn about depression. I spoke to my sister about talking to our brothers, and she cautioned against it, feeling that I may not get the reaction that Im looking for. Im not sure that Im looking for a particular reaction probably just understanding, but it seems that even that would be asking too much. That sounds so bitter Im hurt by

Hey Janice, chees again for your entry, I enjoy reading them very much. I know what you mean when you said you were growing apart from your family, while you live in Australia. Once a year I visit my family back in Europe but, than I just bdont know what to talk about. Australia got a completly different lifestyle. So basically, since Im 18 Im living 16000km away from them, which was on purpose as I didnt want to deal with all the drama anymore. Since Im in Australia I feel more at home than ever and my friends, boyfriend and his family are a family for me I never used to have. Im planning to get a sponsorship so Im able to stay here, as I cant imagine living in Europe again. As much as I love Europe, the pressure of society, high expectations and the huge amount of people scare me away. Surely, I feel somethimes really sad, as I dont know where I belong and where my home is. Sometimes you ask yourself, do I belong anywhere? Its usually said you are where your roots are but, I dont know where they are as I cant identify myself with any family member... Maybe you know what I mean... Tell me some more about you, why and when did your depressions start? What are your symptoms? What are you doing about it? Do you get supported by family members or friends? Do they know? Looking forward hearing from you and everyone else who reads this discussion page! Love, Carolin

Hi Caro I lived in Brisbane. Never got to Perth, though I understand that it's lovely. I left Brisbane after my marriage broke down -- I loved the lifestyle and the people, but all my family is here in Toronto and I really wanted my girls to grow up with the sense of belonging and history and roots and stability that I'd had. Funny, isn't it, how things change? Home isn't much like I'd remembered it, and my family didn't cluster around when I arrived home to support me and help me to heal. Not that they don't care, it's just that I'd been gone for 12 years and we've all grown in different ways. We all, my mother, my siblings and myself, live within a 10 minute drive from each other and I feel hurt and lonely in a way that's exaggerated by the fact that I really thought that I wouldn't be alone with my family around me. I suppose that the point I'm trying to make that may be relevant to you is that home and a feeling of belonging come from inside, not outside. I could have made Brisbane home, and given more to and accepted more from the people and the community around me so that I developed roots for myself and my children. But I didn't because I was focussed on my family and history in Toronto. I'm not given to regrets, and I really do love Toronto and Canada as a whole (well, perhaps not February in the city) so I'm not at all unhappy at my decision to come back. Once I get over wallowing in my hurt and resentment that my siblings aren't smoothing my path for me, then I'll start to take more steps toward developing the sense of belonging again. One step at a time :) Will you stay in Australia, do you think? Or return to Europe when you've finished uni? Take care Janice

Hello Janice, thank you so much for your entry, there was a lot of helpful advice in it. Im happy youre getting better and Im sure your advices will help me to do so too, I will start writing my accomplishments down too. I live in Perth, Western Australia. Where did you live and where do you live now? All the best, looking forward hearing from you!

Thank you for sharing Confused! Also important to know that as you move through the program, you'll learn how to further refine your recognition of negative core beliefs. Danielle ___________________ The DC Support Team

Hi Caro I know what you mean when you talk about a lack of energy and poor concentration. Also, my memory is like a sieve and although I don't particularly feel sad, I would really just like to spend my life curled up in my bed. I don't know about you, but I have a very strong, very critical voice inside my head constantly berating me for not doing enough or not doing things well enough, calling me lazy or stupid for even thinking that _________ (fill in the blank: "anyone could really find me interesting" or "I could do something important without f***ing up" or "I could impress anyone with my work" and on and on). To say that it's demotivating is an understatement. Often I don't even hear the words, it's just a feeling of uselessness that comes over me and drains all my energy. I'm getting better, and that started with recognizing and naming my critical voice (his name is Charles -- now who's weird?!) and confronting him as being unhelpful. Standing up for myself, I guess. Similar to the Thought Records. I also take time in the evening to write down my accomplishments of the day, no matter how small. It felt a bit silly at first, writing things like "Had a shower and got dressed", or "Did a load of laundry", but they were more than I had done the day before. And instead of writing a long list of all the things I wanted to get done in a day, I choose one thing. As Danielle suggests, chunking things down into manageable pieces. Feeling like I accomplished something is motivating in itself, and gives me at least some ammunition when my critical voice starts in with "Another day over and you still haven't done a single thing! You're so useless!" I love the one pleasant activity per day part of this program -- I wasn't letting myself do fun things because I hadn't even done the necessary things yet. Now I have permission -- I can do a fun thing and write it down as an accomplishment because it's part of my homework! This is a very long post, sorry, so the last thing I'll say is to be kind to yourself. You've had enough people in your life being hard on you and emphasizing everything you've done wrong. It's time for some kindness and recognition of the things you've done right -- allow yourself that. I lived in Australia for 4 years -- l

Outbackcaro, Lots of interesting questions here. Let's tackle them one by one. Making friends: One of the easiest ways to make friends is to join in on an activity. Try something that is separate from your significant other like an art class, a hobby group, a sports team, whatever may be of interest to you. You already have something in common with the other people in the group so it makes conversations and interactions a little easier! It also can help build your confidence as you keep learning and refining the new skill or interest learned in class. If you have trouble concentrating try breaking up your big task into smaller components, taking small breaks in between. As for the energy, try to slowly start incorporating more physical activity into your weekly routine. Even a 10-20 minute walk can make a difference in boosting your energy and your mood. Do any other members have any tips? The key here is really to start with small acheivable goals, pat yourself on the back for the work you do and building on that. Also don't forget to keep working through the program. There are a lot of exercises that will help you with this also. Danielle _____________________ The DC Support Team

Hello people, It may sound weird but, I dont know if my feelings or behaviour has anything to do with depression, or maybe I dont like to admit it. Im nearly 22 and had a difficult upbringing. Most of my life I grew up with my mum and my steptfather. My real father beat me and my steptfather and mum drank lots of alcohol, behaved weird and took coke. However, given the choice to study in Autralia, which is paid by my steptfather, I didnt think twice and escaped from my life in Europe. Im in Australia since 2 years now, have a boyfriend and pretty much live with him. The problem is I always feel like I dont know where I belong to. All the friends I have are my boyfriends friends and when he wants to do something alone and leaves me behind I feel unloved and outcasted from the world. Its difficult for me to do my everyday duties, like writing assignments for UNI or cleaning, as I cant concentrate or have a lack of energy. How can I make myself to do the stuff that I have to do? I try to think positive but I cant keep it up for long. I always feel like there are to many expectations and pressure and I dont know how I can cope! Does anyone know what I mean? I dont want to feel like this anymore. I finally want to be able to feel like I achieved something at the end of the day...