Thanks gr8fl, sorry I had not responded sooner, I was having computer issues. But anyway thanks for the compliment. I think my personal interests and academic choices have molded my life course. I suppose the easiest way to understand your own demons is to learn what they eat and how they sleep. The problem eventually becomes not so much in understanding, but in remaining as objective as possible. Subjective experience tends to distort self-related perceptions. This is my ongoing struggle.

Hello, MRB I don't know where my messages are going but they went somewhere. It was nice to vent out last night. I'm doing better each day. I have my ups and downs as does everyone else except I'm drastic. Hopefully I'll learn how to use this forum to my advantage. Thanks again

Hi Paul, Welcome to this forum. You really express your thoughts well and bring up some interesting and valid points which are well worth focusing on. You should be proud of your accomplishments (made even greater considering your circumstances.) You have a lot to offer and a future that is indeed worth fighting for. Keep doing whatever you need to keep yourself going. Keep up the good work! and "Never give up the fight"[/i] Indeed!

Hi belky56 Just a quick message to welcome you to the Support Group. I am sure you will find it useful, and it can help you to open up in an "anonymous" sort of way. I used to suffer from OCD, but I don't really have it now apart from mild residual symptoms. I did have psychiatric treatment at the time so know what you mean about finding it hard to talk to the psychiatrist. I suffer from depression now but this is managed by my primary care doctor rather than a psyciatrist. At last I am on medication that seems right for me and more or less controls my depression. I do have my moments though! I hope you will post again to let us all know how you are getting on and whether we can suggest anything to help. I know from experience that OCD can be particularly horrible but it doesn't last forever. Best wishes MRB

I'm glad to have found this source of expression. I have been diagnosed with major depression and OCD. I take medication and visit my psychiatrist once a month. Whenever I see him I clam up. It's so hard to talk about whats going on when I don't even know what it is or what made me this way. I hope to learn more about myself and to open up this way, without having to see anyone.

welcome paul! you have come to the right place! this is a great supportive group. :)

hi, if i may id like to get in on this converasation. first let me say paul that u are a wonderfully smart young man. already i have learned sooooooo very much from you. thank you for that. in a twisted sort of way, what a wonderful feeling it is to know that someone else can explain, express, how i am feeling. i was dx for years as just depressed with a bpd. i had many episodes of extreme irrational and irritable moods smoothered with suicidal thoughts and three attempts. i constantly thought of death and even killing people. i was recently (8 months ago) dx bipolar with Schizoaffective type symtoms. to say it simply, i am extremely paranoid. i had agoraphobia for two years after a very painful time in my life. i currently take depokate, risperdol and trazadone. i am unable to sleep on my own at all. ive went days and days without sleep and became delusional. i also sometimes believe that people can read my thoughts. all this while trying to be a single mom and work full time and remain "normal". i have had many "cocktails" and mixes of differnet meds. this is the first time that they seem to be working. although my paranoia is still pretty strong i am able to maintain. i always feel like i am being watched and have had thoughts that there are hidden cameras watching me, even though i KNOW that not to be true. i just found the things you were saying so facinating and how you are able to maintain and go to school pleases me. i guess basically i just wanted to say hello and let you know i understand compeletly these things you speak of. you are not alone. i wish you well and i am here to talk to if you need to. i would love to bounce things off of you and get your opinions. very glad to have you in the group. take care. batty!

I have to agree with you i do all of those things you stated at least once a day i had bulimia when i was younger but i no longer purge i just barely eat(anorexia) which makes my anxiety worse because of the lightheadedness and such body sensatins from starving myself which makes me have panic attacks.I also have ocd such as excessive cleaning fear of germs i have a whole cupboard dedicated to cleaning products which i use daily and i have ocd thoughts such as thinking that ive left a child at home when im out in the car so im constantly checking fear that something bad is going to happen i also spend more time then i should checking my face and body in the mirror for blemishes.So far i have been diagnosed with Panic disorder,OCD,Major depresson but i think they are all linked somehow, with me anyway thats my opinion.Gabbi.

Thanks MRB and gabbi, I actually feel the same way in reference to diagnoses. I have had several diagnoses over a period of 20 years. Both my education and personal experience have taught me to view my situation not as major Depressive DO, but as depressotypic organization. I have studied the DSM 4 more than I should have and I notice that specific DO's have specific criteria. And that having one DO may exclude you from having another (i.e. depression, identity DO's). My theory is that if you list potential life characteristics that may lead up to the diagnostic criteria for Generalized Anxiety DO, hypothetically there will be many (say 500). Then do the same for Panic DO (say 450), Bulimia (300), OCD (275), Dysthimia (250), Major depression (150), and Schizophrenia (50). Is there a coincidence that most people are diagnosed with GAD, then Panic DO, and so on. It's not the Schizophrenia is conceptually worse, it is more specific. So I believe that anybody can experience any DO at any time based on any current environmental circumstances as a function of biology. At 10 am, I could be really Depressed, at 12 noon, I may start having Panic Attacks, at 1 pm, I may calm a little but become restless and start arranging things (OCD), at 5 pm I may look at myself in the mirror and excessively focus on what I perceive to be an abnormal facial feature (Dysmorphic DO), at 9 pm I may become paranoid or delusional over people noticing me (Schizotypal characteristics), and at 3 am when I finally fall asleep, I feel hopeless. Yet I am diagnosed with MDD. Sound conceptually familiar to anyone???? It's all about the bioenvironmental characteristics as a function of time. Timing is everything. So depressotypic organization (verses MDD) allows for the incorporation of other factors (DO's) offering a more detailed person-specific diagnosis. I'm tired of pidgeon-holing. As far as meds go, I agree that munbness is a common side effect. However, I have not always been on meds while in the state of depersonalization, especially for the first 6 years. The meds definitely make matters worse. Two of mine are taken as needed so I am on 3 consistently. In my research I have found that Depression has a dynamic relationship with Anhedonia. This refers to an inability t

Hi Paul and welcome. I too like gabbi can't help wondering whether it is the meds that you are on that are causing some of your unpleasant experiences. I don't want to sound flippant, but I think that if I was on so many meds that I wouldn't be able to feel anyhting at all, good or bad! It is a tribute to you that you are able to pursue academic study against that background. Since from what you write, even with these meds, you are still experiencing a lot of unpleasant feelings, even if they aren't caused by the meds, I wonder if it might be a good idea to ask your doctor to rationalise them so that you might for example be able to take 3 different meds rather than 5. Also, and again not wanting to sound flippant, it does seem that you have also "collected" a large number of diagnoses over the years. I can't help wondering of what use are all these particular diagnoses? This of course is in no way your fault. Like the rest of us posting here you have had lots of problems over the years, but what we all need is HELP not labels. The "labels" can themselves sometimes help of course, but often they don't as in your case. I think there is a large degree of medicalisation and mystification with all these diagnoses. After all we are all people with problems and unhappiness. We want to overcome them and move forward, whereas it seems that diagnoses in some ways "justifies" them and "locks" them in. I've been diagnosed as suffering from x. I'm an x person and it's partly genetic. But I am NOT an x person and neither are you. We really need treatments, not diagnoses; perhaps we should "treat" ourselves better and ask the medical profession to do the same. You are still young, and even the passage of time itself can be a great healer. After all once you felt better than you do now and I am sure you will again one day. It's just preety horrible inbetween. Sorry my approach is irreverent. I do take your situation seriously and mine as well. But not too seriously - after all that hasn't got us very far to date has it? Best wishes MRB