Hi Valerie, I'm going to try this again (3rd time lucky?). I'm concerned that you haven't posted for a while. I hope that concern is misplaced. I'll try a shorter version of what I've been trying to say to you. First of all, - you have no reason to feel guilty. Your dad was an alcoholic. It's a disease; I doubt that you would feel guilty if he had Polio and you couldn't cure him. He couldn't help himself, your mother couldn't help him. Why is it that you feel YOU should shoulder the burden? - it wasn't your fault that your sisters weren't there. You were obeying your mother's wishes. At a time like that, I'm sure you were doing everything you could to comfort your mother. That was what she wanted. - you said you felt "ashamed". Not only do you not deserve to feel shame, it's a destructive emotion. The more shame you feel, the more food you consume, right? It's a vicious circle. Finally, Valerie - you're not a "ROCK"; you're a woman. A woman who's confused, maybe still grieving, AND very hard on herself. Keep in touch, and a BIG hug to you, Kate14

My brother just died of alcohol abuse and a virus that his liver could not cope with at age 42. My father too, died of the same thing, plus atherialsclerosis, and massive stroke, but he was 67. My mother died the year before of terrible cancer that quickly spread throughout her abdomin. My father did not die as fast as your father; He was taken to the hospital when the neigbour across the street had noticed he did not go out that weekend. The neighbour called the police, and they looked in the bedroom window, and the police had to break the door down to take him to the hospital. Apparently, some friends of our family came in and cleaned up his bedroom before we saw it, and he had been drinking in bed, and reading a murder novel, and had a stroke. He lived alone. (I must add that he had also tried to commit suicide several times before throughout his life because of the horrible childhood and drepression he had too. He was on medications for a while, but later stopped and told me it was because they did not work.) The next thing I know I got a call from the hospital that he was there, so we rushed down to see him. He was having convulsions, maybe from alcohol withdrawal. He was in hospital for a few days, and we kept going down to see him for a few days once a day, and after a few days he had calmed down and was sleeping. The doctors and nurses told us his brain was probably not going to function after that. My sister did come from far away to see him, on the fourth day or so of hospitalization and he was awake and could not talk, but his brain was alive, and he was pointing to his groin, asking us to get the nurses to clean him up down below. Also, he asked me to take off his oxygen mask. We had already made a legal power of attorney that if my parents were dieing, they did not want to be kept alive artificially. So I told the nurse to take it off. Then he signaled he wanted to kiss us, with pursed lips, and I did, and my sister kissed him on the forhead. I told him I was going to get the power of attorney from the lawyer, and I left my sister there alone with him in the hospital. The doctors had told me that he would be put into a nursing home, and might live for quite a while. Then I left to do the business, and to see my own psychiat

Hey Valerie, Just hoping your day is going ok. I know how hard it is to stop "stuffing down your pain" with food". If counseling is an option, that would really be good, anger can eat you up inside. Anger and guilt can make you very sick. Hopefully you will be able to let go of both of them, and start enjoying life again, I'm not sure how recently your loss was, but I hope you heal soon. take care

yes i got this today (sunday) - i would to talk to you, please send a reply - i am goint away for two days with work but will check in again on wednesday - thanks for your time valerie

"all I need is to be able to talk to someone" .......................... Well, here I am. I'm a good listener. I posted you a long detailed reply earlier, but for some reason it didn't post. Don't want to go through all of it again unless I know you're getting this....... kate14

Hi Valerie, I am sure that fellow members will be responding to your post soon. I just wanted to suggest that, if you haven't already done so, to please contact your doctor about how you are feeling. Help is available. Maybe they could suggest couselling for you to help you deal with the emotions you are having and also coping mechanisms to help you through this difficult time. Casey __________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team

as i said, i am not sure how this works, but here goes - i have loads of negative feelings and thoughts, mainly to do with the death of my dad nearly two years ago. He was an alcoholic and he died from a ruptered thorax, and liver failure. I feel so guilty that I could not help him, i called an ambulance and went with him and my mum, but i could do nothing to help. Also my mam said not to tell my two sisters until we knew how bad it was and by the time i rang and they got there it was too late. I fell guilty becuase they did not get chance to say goodbye but more than that i am so angry with my dad for doing this to himself and us! When I wake up in a morning it is the first thing i think about and i stuff my self with food all day - as a punishment i think - and my weight has ballooned to 16 and a half stone. All i need is to be able to talk to someone about how i feel - i have no friends to turn to becuase my husband son and duaghter have been my world for the last 25 years - and i feel so ashamed about doing this to myself because it feels like an addiction and thats the very thing i am angry with my dad for! My family think i am so strong - the rock of the family - but i am slowly falling apart and no one has noticed! I am 44 but feel more like a 64 year old and just want to get back to living my life.