Barbara, My friend found me a site that sells xanax without a doc's script. I'm so tempted to get some. My parents are leaving for their weekend vacation early tomorrow. A while back I used to look forward them being gone and having the place to myself. But now, I'm too scared to stay by myself so I'll be staying at my sister's place while they're gone. I feel like such a weakling. But the even the thought of being alone starts giving me panic attacks. It's funny how powerless I'm feeling these days about myself. Never ending roller coaster...

Kitn: Where did you find the beauty in life?

Carry: Please don't give up. Talk to me. Share your pain w/me. I promise I wont judge you. I know what it's like to feel such intense pain you just want it to stop. I know what it's like to wake up screaming in the middle of the night. I know what it's like to feel so alone. Please don't give up.

Barbara, Thank you for sharing that prayer with us. I know that God is always with me no matter how far I run away. I also know that God would never give up on me no matter what I do. The only thing I fear is that I'm so weak... I might give up on Him. God forbid for that to ever happen. I will fight that with all that I have. But still, sometimes.. just sometimes, I'm afraid I just might give up.

Carry: I had a very devout Catholic friend of mine fax me a prayer to the Sacred Heart. I want you to hear this with all your heart: "The truth is that God is at the center of your being, that God is within you in the midst of the most overwhelmng evidence of lack, that God is ready to bring about your wholeness and total well being." God didn't give up on you.

Hi Barbara and Kitn, There are so many things I want to say that I don't know where to start. haha.. This week has been somewhat of a "hell week" for me. I thought I was making good progress but then something just hit me like a ton of bricks and I guess I had a melt down trying to fight all the depressing negative thoughts that's been haunting me. My family doctor wouldn't give me anymore and suggested I go see a shrink instead. And as I said before since I had a bad experience with one, that's sort of holding me back from seeing one again. So what I ended up doing was buying some over the counter med for stress relief. I've been taking them for couple days now but I don't think it's really doing anything. Also been drinking couple shots of vodka every night to help me relax a bit. I hate to say but I've been falling behind on my reading to learn about God. And my prayers have gotten very weak. I'm still hanging on there and I think it's good that I'm aware that the direction I'm going right now isn't good. I just need some kind of boost to get me back on the right track. Kitn.. Thank you so much for your prayers. It means a great deal to me. Few of my friends also been praying for me. It bring big comfort in knowing that others are praying for me and that tells me I'm definitely not alone. The power of prayer is so much stronger when more people pray for you. I'll also keep you and Barbara in my prayers as well. And Barbara, I know how you feel about wanting the day to be just over with. I've been having the same intense feeling for a while now. Even before the day started, I just wanted it to end and go back to sleep where I won't be aware of anything. But eventually, we all have to face the same problems. Obviously, we won't be able to run away from this. And facing it everyday is just all so tiring and painfull. But what other choice do we have except to make the best out of what we have. The first thing that comes to my mind when I wake up is, "*sigh* Another day of misery...." Maybe instead of having negative thoughts first thing in the morning, we try to think of something to look forward to? Other then the end of the day. :p Well, I like watching Law & Order and going to the gym. Maybe that could do it for m

hello carry and barbara, I know exactly where yoyu two are coming from i honestly do. I went through the same for many years and when I hit rock bottom,I cried up to God from the depth of my soul,so to speak,and things didn't happen overnight and it took an avenue that I never would have thought to be but I know I'm in good hands here.I really think of the both of you and pray you find the beauty in life like I did; to help you through this really neverending nightmare, but at least will be able to have some peace of mind and see things in a different way. *-)

Carry: I understand how you feel about shrinks. The last time I tried counselling I went to three different people. I couldn't connect w/any of them. How does one find a good shrink?

Barbara/Kitn, Kitn, thanks for your experience and concern. I will definitely take it into consideration about what you've said. I'm still debating whether or not to go see a shrink. I went to a shrink once in high school. BAD experience. I promised I'd never trust one again. Maybe that's one of the reasons holding me up. But I will seriously consider it this time. Barbara, I'm very happy to hear that your granddaughter is back home safe and sound. It must've been a very hard time for both you and your daughter. I'm sure the whole situation must've taken alot of energy out of you. But you hung in there which shows that you're just that strong. I've been trying to keep myself busy all day long. It's helped me from going crazy. But still feeling... not quite right. I'm just waiting for the day to end so I can go to sleep and won't have to be dealing with reality.

Hi Carry/Kitn: I spent most of yesterday at the hospital w/my daughter & oldest granddaughter. The little one has Viral Meningitis. She's home now but it was pretty scary for a while. Until yesterday, I didn't know that meningitis is very common this time of year. I hope you all had a good night. Right now I'm a little out of it.