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for 20 år siden 0 142 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Carry/Kitn: Carry I don't think that person saw through you. You have a sense of humor that's all. I have been speaking to you for months now and I know you're funny, intelligent, caring, and sensitive. A stranger doesn't have real knowledge of you, a friend does. Considering what we've been through our sense of humor is probably different from others. I remember one time three of my sisters and myself were talking about an incident that happened when we were younger. I had other company and didn't realize they could here what we were saying. While we were mocking and imitating our parents, my other guests were listening in horror. When my sisters and I started laughing one of my guest burst into tears. That's when I realized they heard us. Sometimes we manage to make fun of our upbringing and forget others didn't have it the same way we did. Of course we have a different sense of humor. If we didn't learn to laugh we would have gone off the deep end by now. Kitn, your poem was beautiful. I've read it three times already. I'm trying to look life in the eye. Right now it's hard to look myself in the eye. You and Carry are the mirrors I'm trying to look through now. I haven't met either of you but I'm closer to you than any of my friends. You accept me now, for who I am and you make no judgements. I would like to see myself through your eyes. XOXOXO
for 20 år siden 0 15 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hello Carry/Barbara I wanted to share something with you'se today just touched my heart,opened my eyes and giving me the sense to look at things differently. Life is a learning process,after a while we learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security.You begin to learn that kisses arn't contracts,and presents arn't promises,you begin to accept your defeats,with your head up and your eyes wide open,with the grace of a woman,not the grief of a child,and you learn to build all your roads on today,because tomorrow's ground is to uncertain for plans.Futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.And you learn that you really can endure..that you are really strong and do have self worth
for 20 år siden 0 84 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Good morning Barbara/Kitn; I don't know alot of people with such big family. I have 6 older sisters. Actually, I have one brother who's the oldest whom I've never even met nor even knew existed til I was in high school. 7 older sisters but 2 aren't even related by blood and I didn't know about them until I was older as well. But lucky for me that I'm somewhat close to one of them. The rest of my sisters. Well.. what can I say. They're all half sisters but they were like mothers to me. Always taking care of me and such. haha.. I didn't even realize they were my half sisters until I was about 10 or so. When my parents told me, I think that was one of the most shocking days of my life. They also lived in poverty. Never having enough food or other things that many take for granted. I used to feel so guilty for having everything they didn't growing up. I still do. But these days, I keep telling myself that it's not my fault they had such hard lives. I'm not responsible for things that happened. Still hard, you know? Probably because the guilts been implated in my head since such young age. You're right Barbara.. After everything that has happened, we're still here. Not exactly the way I'd want things to be. But we're here. And we want to live the rest of our lives to the fullest. It's just hard at times because.. well.. I don't want to be here sometimes. You know? Sometimes.. just sometimes, I wish my mom did abort me. haha... But I'm here now. And I will try my best to live my life meaningfully. Yesterday, I was in one of those chat rooms. Someone told me I had a dark sense of humor. I think that's the first time I've heard someone say that to me. I'm sure it was just my imagination. But for a second there. I thought this person saw right through my "preppy front" and knew I had problems. Silly, isn't it?
for 20 år siden 0 142 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Carry: Although your mother may not have meant to do or say the mean things she did to you, she still did them. I'm not into Mom bashing either, but I do understand how much a callus or careless remark or action can affect you emotionally. Don't feel guilty because you had life a little better than your older siblings. I am the third of seven girls. The five oldest got the worse of the abuse. My youngest two sisters did not grow up poor or with abusive parents. Four of us were told directly to our faces many times that we weren't wanted. I am still blamed for the fact that my parents had to move to the projects when I was born. I'm glad my youngest sisters didn't have to suffer the way we did. Even with all the destructive behaviors we've been exposed to you and I like many others have managed to survive to adulthood. We have to learn new ways of thinking so that we can recognize the potential for happiness we have inside. Give the guilt back to your mother. There's no need for a confrontation, just a simple understanding inside of yourself that you are here for a purpose. That purpose is not to suffer but to experience life to the fullest.
for 20 år siden 0 84 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Good morning Barbara/Kitn, I used to keep that depression diary that's offered on this site. But that didn't last long. I know I have alot of anger within me. Although my mother wasn't/isn't "abusive" per say. Or at least she doesn't mean to be, she had said and done many things that have hurt me greatly mentally. It wasn't until recently I've admitted to myself that I have alot of anger towards her. Much of my troubles also has to do with the culture differences. Although my family and I have lived in the States for over 20 years, there are certain cultural differences which I cannot escape. haha.. I remember my mom telling me once that she went to the hosiptal to abort me. But my sister stopped her by threatening her with her own life. So much pressure throughout my childhood because I had a "better" life growing up then my sisters did as well as my parents. And always feeling so guilty because of it. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to draw up a picture of how horrible my mother is. I know she loves me and wouldn't hurt me knowingly. She had a very rough life. And she's doing the best she can. Sorry, I totally got off the subject. I usually deal with my anger using my imagination. When I'm alone, like in the car. I just talk or yell.. or even have fights. Imagining the person I have a problem is right in front of me. Vent all my frustrations. The funny thing is, I'm not sure if that makes me feel any better afterwards. I think it's a good idea to share our negative thoughts and see if we can give rational rebuttal to it. Why not, right? I'm willing to try ANYTHING to win over this.
for 20 år siden 0 142 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Carry/Kitn: I'm not sure how much my therapy is working right now. What I'm really sure of is how much work is involved. Carry,I know how you feel about distracting yourself. Do you keep a diary? In my diary I write down my negative thoughts and then try to rebut them. It's very hard because I really believe these thoughts. I believe them because I feel them. But that's not necessarily true. I think that a part of me has taken the place of the abuser's of my past. I call myself the same names and have about as much patience as they had (very little patience). What I'm trying to do is talk back. I didn't deserve the nasty treatment then and I don't deserve it now. I wonder what would happen if we shared our negative thoughts and tried to give a rational rebuttal to each other. Maybe that is something we can try.
for 20 år siden 0 84 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi girls, Been a while since I came, huh? Sorry about that. I'm sure I mentioned it but my cousin from Korea visited. I thought she was staying for about a week but when she got here, she said she's only staying for 5 days. So basically all my schedule got screwed up. I'm still trying to recover from her visit. Everything had to be done so quick. Of course, I was the one to take her everywhere. It made things bit harder I'm sure for both of us because we didn't really click. Too different of personalities. I can't really tell if I'm getting that much better. I'm able to distract myself from all the pain and sadness that's within me from time to time. But after the distraction. I feel so... alone. Other then work, going to the gym, and taking care of my fish. I don't want to do anything. Friends keep asking me to come out. And at the moment I say yes but after couple hours, I back out. Why is that? In all honesty, I think I don't want to see any of my friends because they seem "happy". And I'd just get more depressed or jealous of the fact that their lives seem much better than mine. That's so wrong of me. I should be happy for them. Always so confused and feeling guilty about something. Barbara, I'm happy to hear that you're somewhat satisfied with your therapy. I hope things would improve for you soon. I'm really to have met you and Kitn here. I can tell you guys things I just can't tell my family. I'll post again soon.
for 20 år siden 0 15 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
hi barbara, Really happy that you are doing so well with your dr.You will find happiness hon just give it time take it slow one day at a time. 'hugs'Kitn
for 20 år siden 0 142 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Carry/Kitn: Sorry I logged off so suddenly. How dare my job interrupt my communications! Just kidding. The point I was trying to make earlier was "this is the first time I've ever had so much to do in my recovery" My current project is to make Collages of how I feel now and how I want to feel. It's so easy to find things that describe the negative/hateful/hurtful things, but finding how I want to feel when I'm "better" is very difficult. I don't know what it's like to feel "right" or "normal" This is normal for me. I know I want to feel inspired. I want to recognize happieness when it happens. I'm smart enough to know happieness is found in moments not hours. I'm just having a hard time remembering (except for my kids)those happy moments. I'm sure they happened but I've buried them beneath the pain. My therapist says I have an unrealistic view of myself and my abilities. But I only know what I feel, and what I feel is what I know. When I try to burrow deeper into my self I get so much resistance I have to stop. I've prayed, I've read, and I've thought about it. I'm not sure I'm capable of happieness or "normalcy". I really need some advice.
for 20 år siden 0 142 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Carry/Kitn: It's wonderful to hear from both of you. I don't know if I mentioned it but I'm in therapy. It's different than when I was in therapy years ago. It's a form of behavioral/cognitive therapy. My therapist does more than sit there and nod her head. She asks questions and freely answers mine. I have to keep a diary and I've been reading the recommended books. I have to go I'll write again later

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