Carry: I'm sure you have God's forgiveness for your outburst. Though you don't like the way you said things, you said things that HAD to be said. I believe that the other family members aren't talking about you because they're stunned that someone had the courage to talk back to them. I have to go right now, I'll write again when I have a little privacy.

Hi Barbara, I can connect with what you're saying about feeling responsible for your siblings. Even though I'm the youngest, I feel responsible for them as well. And I always want to protect them. I don't know what got into me when I blew up at my parents like that as well as towards my aunt. I was just so furious I just lost all control. It was a good thing I saw that note from my cousin after I've calmed down a bit. Otherwise, I'd probably replied back saying something just as nasty. Even though I didn't read the note thoroughly, I saw something tha my aunt claimed I said to her during the fight. Which, I know I didn't say because I don't even know what that means. I'm not suprised though. I'm pretty sure she made up a whole bunch of things, claiming I said them to her. Although, I was somewhat suprised by the reaction from my other uncles families. I was thinking I'd get some scolding from them for being so "rude" to her. I was asking my cousin how things were back in Korea, and he was telling basically everyone knows what happened but no one is really saying much. Even though I know everyone hates that family, I was still bit suprised no one is scolding me for what I did. Anyway, the past few days, I've been praying to God for forgiveness. I know what I did wasn't "right" in God's eyes. And I didn't feel good about doing it. I've also been praying to be able to forgive them as well. My anger towards them are still flaring. But I know how much oil these angers would burn out of me. I don't want to carry all this around. As hard as these situations are, I think I'm starting to handle them better. And talking to you and others have been a great part in all the improvements I'm making. Thank you.

Carry: My God, I'm so proud of you. You know when to speak and when to keep your mounth closed. I'm just starting to do that. I was raised in a very strict and very old fashioned Italian neighborhood. I went to Catholic school from kindergarten through 12th grade. I'm old enough to remember when the nuns were allowed to hit the kids. I never confronted my parents (my therapist says "Mom & Dad" were sadist's) as an adult like you did. I'm still reluctant (afraid) to talk back to my elders. Asian/Italian cultures sound similar. We are to be seen and not heard. We are to serve not be recognized. Women are less then men. Those with the money make the rules. Your bravery is an inspiration to me. I don't think I can confront my father though. Like I mentioned earlier I have six sisters and I'm afraid to upset the tenuous balance in the family. My two youngest sisters have no real memories of the abuse because they were so young when the worse of it happened. If I start anything I run the risk of losing most of my sisters. I'm not close to the youngest ones but I feel responsible for them. You know what I mean?

Hi Barbara.. Thanks for all the encouragement. It was a rough friday. I basically started a war with the family that's been giving us trouble. My uncle's wife... Oh lord.. I just let her have it. She called again this morning and was upsetting my mother. Things were quietting down finally. So I don't understand why they keep calling. I couldn't stand it and decided to handle it myself. She and I went full blast. In the asian culture, even if you talk back to your elders is a big no no. I didn't care. I did it to protect my family. Because she's the eldest son's wife, the other families can't stand up to them. Even now, they're all suffering from depts because of her family and none of them stands up to them. So she thinks she has nothing to fear. After getting cursed out by me, she filled with rage. I could still hear her in the background when my uncle took the phone away from her. She has no morals. She know nothing about right and wrong. The funny thing is, her daughter was trying to get my cell number from my other cousin whom I keep in touch with often. I'm guessing he didn't give it to her because she never called. (He doesn't like that family either) So she left a message on my homepage. I didn't bother reading it carefully for obvious reasons. Saw some cursing blah blah.. last line said "you need to learn to be a human being" I was going to send back a nasty reply. But I didn't. I just deleted the note. No matter what kind of person that woman is. She's still her mother. I reacted the way I did because I wanted to protect my mother as well. As much as I want to let them have it... I'm actually trying to be understanding of the daughter's situation. She talks about me needing to be a human being first. But if they're what human beings are.. I don't want to be one. *sigh* It's 2:32 am.. I even went to gym tonight and went straight from the gym to meet up with friends. I should be extremely tired. I don't know why I can't sleep.

Carry: I am so sorry you went through that. I really don't want you to continue to hurt yourself, your father's family isn't worth it. You've come so far in recent months and I don't want you to give it up for them. Your rages hurt you so much. The enviornment you live in is so unhealthy. But I'm also greatful your sisters had your back. You didn't deserve what happend to you. You deserve support, friendship, companionship, respect, and love. If you start feeling angry again remember that there are people around you, (including me) who care enough that we don't want to see you hurt anymore. We want you to feel safe and loved. I have tremendous respect for you and I thank God everyday that you're in my life. I know that there are other people around you who also feel this way. Sincerely Barbara

Hi Barbara, I'm sorry I took so long to post after my last one. I'm doing alot better now. It's taken me few days to calm myself. My sisters were great help and comfort. And the fight between my parents have finally settled as well for now anyway. I've always been very obidient to my parents. It's not like they never fought or such. But after seeing the same pattern for over 20 years, I just about had it. I tried really hard to keep myself out of it but well.. as you can see, it didn't happen that way. All the pent up rage just blew out. I said alot of mean horrible things to my parents. I punched the walls with my fist right in front of them. They've never in their lives have seen me react that way. The day after, I went even more ballistic. I dragged myself to work but.. after getting a call from my mother I totally lost control and trashed my office. She was crying and begging me to forgive her. It just made me feel so horrible. All the hate towards my dad's brother started up again. All I could think about was how they're causing us so much pain. And I just couldn't understand or accept the fact why we were suffering because of them. I don't really remember that much about trashing my office. I know I did some damage to myself. Both my hands are all scratched and brused. I don't even know how I got the cut on my right hand. When I actually came to I was at my oldest sister's house. When I looked in the mirror, I noticed a trail of blood on my forehead. I must've banged it while I went crazy. hahaha... Anyway, my violant reaction scared the heck out of everyone. Especially my parents. That's basically why the fight stopped. My parents were both scared to death that I'd do something to really hurt myself. And my sisters apparently yelled at them telling them they're going to end up killing me if they keep it up. All my sisters have been calling me up often to check up on me. I'm so thankfull for them. I didn't think they understood but they knew I'm still not over what happened several months ago. It's been an "eventfull" holiday weekend. I basically told my parents, if they do it again, I will to over the edge for good next time. I believe they took the threat seriously since they've actually seen what I'm c

Carry: How are you today? I know you're really upset right now. What have you been doing? Have you gone to the gym? Please let us know how you're doing, I'm starting to get worried.

Carry: How are you doing today? I'm wondering if you're in a state of shock after the Thanksgiving "incident". I'm absolutely sure you had a reason for telling your father's family off. You seem to be the protector in your family. I can relate to that. After so much antagonism I feel I have to say something, anything to make things right. I have to learn that there are some people out there who think they're better than everyone else and they try to control those around them. I know people can control you only if you let them. But family history is a powerful deterrent to letting go of the past. I have to go now

Carry: I'm sorry I took so long to respond to your post. I've had my grandkids. Who the h*** does your fathers' family think they are? How dare they think they can come in and dictate how others should be? Carry Girl I am so proud of you for the strength of character you've shown. Unlike everyone else, you're standing up against the powers that be. You are growing girl and I am sincerely proud. Where did you find the strength? Did they finally p*** you off til you had no choice but to blow? Or, did you notice how they effected everyone and decide to put a stop to it? You're a grown woman and have every right to say your piece.

Carry, We apologize for your lost post. For further reference, try copying your response before sending it. Thus, if it gets lost, you still have a copy. You went through a really rough patch this weekend. Try and realize and accept the people that love you (your parents) Remember, they are people too and you are their child. Parents have a hard time being parents, yet they should realize we are just individuals. Please concentrate on your family and leave your dad's family to fend for themsleves. You need to take care of yourself and your family before you can dable somewhere else. I don't know the situation, but it didn't sound pleasant for you. Please try and relax and keep posting. Your experiences and support only make us stronger. Josie _____________________________________ The Stop Smoking Center Support Team.