I have to fight a compulsion to stand up and say my name out loud :)
I have closet depression (my own made up term). The reason I call myself that is when I'm on my own I feel like my world has caved in. I feel useless and unproductive. When I'm with family or my only friend, I'm all charm and smiles. I always have excellent, common sense advice for people in trouble. I'm self assured. Until I meet a stranger that I think is smarter and/or more attractive than me.
I've suffered for many years before I was diagnosed. The last therapist I've seen (about 2 years ago) has been brilliant, but due to cost I've been unable to continue treatment. I've been on anti-depressants, without success. I've stopped taking them all together due to the high cost of medication, before we could find a anti-depressant that would work for me.
I also suffer from Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and as a result I'm Insulin Resistant. I've picked up a substantial amount of weight over the course of about 3 years because of my sugar problem, which didn't help the depression either. We have no kids (PCOS has left me sterile).
My husband is an angel. Which makes me feel worse sometimes. When I'm going through a bad patch, he'll take over in the kitchen. I'm suppose to be a house maker, but the only thing I can do really well is sit and do nothing the whole day. By 11 every morning I feel panicked because the day is halfway through and I haven't done a thing. No cleaning, no dishes.. I can't remember the last time I've made the bed. The rest of the day is spent feeling sorry for myself and hating myself for STILL not getting up to do anything.
I know I should change my lifestyle if I ever hope to see an improvement in my fertility. I should eat better (actually I should just eat.. eating is just so much effort!) and I should exercise.. even if just for 1 minute every morning. I know if I tell myself in the mirror every morning that I'm ugly, I'll believe it. I also know that the opposite is true. If I give myself positive reinforcement, it will work.
I just couldn't be bothered with anything.
Signing up on this website has been exhausting. But reading through the forums has been encouraging. It's good to see like-minded people who are focused on sharing and others who don't judge.
I didn't plan on saying this much. I tend to not speak of what goes on inside me, and when I do it's a bit like an avalanche.
I hope that I will find some help.. even if just a little until we're in a financial position to resume treatment again.