Sorry you are having a tough time. When I moved out of my mom's house I had a similar experience. At first with the novelty I was ok a few weeks then it hit me and all I wanted was my mommy. I think it is great that you are reaching out. I did not and the isolationmde it worse. I had moved in with my hubby but he was working insane hours at the time and I was very much alone. It did get better though. I just wanted to let you know it got better .
Also, as for the thoughts, I have had those too. I found that being open about them helps. You are not alone in this and you are not crazy. Things get better so hang in there. I have found that as I learn to cope with my anxiety , those thoughts really do go away. This too shall pass!
CD summed it up... You are very brave to write it down as I know most people at one time or another have thought that... but us with anxiety.. .our thoughts just go "haywire"... and I like you get anxiety about having thought thoughts... if that makes any sense. lol...
I've too have had that thought...and like you it is something I would never do... I'm terrified of dying... which is what I think is so ironic... and tells me that it is the panic kicking in. It finds our greatest fears and plays on them... to the extreme unfortunately. You're not alone Jen.. in fact there are more like us than not. I can relate to all that your are saying and can tell you that things do get better and that there is hope and successes. You just need to be patient with yourself and try your best to challenge your thoughts.. much easier said than done.. I know.
It sounds like your medication may be wreaking a little havoc too while your changing doses. For myself (I'm on Paxil) changing my doses can be a bit tricky and takes some time to adjust. At the beginning 20 mg was WAY TO HIGH!! and I was sick..lost weight and my anxiety was crazy wild... and for ages 15 mg was my perfect dose... years actually... And then much to my chagrin.. this past year after my second baby I've had a heck of journey trying to find a balance again... ugh... but slowly but surely things have gotten better...I'm actually taking 20mg now and have not had any of the issues I did years ago.. probably because I'm older and fatter...kidding... well sorta.. lol...
You're not crazy though and you definately don't need to be committed!! It's scary to feel like that but I assure you I have felt all that you have... Thoughts can be scary but they are just thoughts and the fact that your know they are irrational is what makes you sane :).
Be sure you are talking to people about your ups and downs and keep the lines of communication open with your doctor... I myself and still on the hunt for a therapist or support group just to better prepare myself in case a relapse happens again... as it was a real eye opener for me...
Big hugs to you.. and be sure to keep us posted... I have found this site to be so helpful.. Just keep posting and someone will always let you know that you're in good company and not alone.
Hello Jen , sorry to hear that you are having a rough time . Im glad that you have been brave enough to write it down to us . I also had those thoughts , just once . It also scared the hell out of me because like you i had no intentions of it and felt so bad for even thinking it ! Im pretty sure its because i was so bad at the time and pretty new to the panic attacks i just couldnt handle it and thought it would never end . But it did !
Just like Birdie said , its so much better to take one day at a time . Then when you are having a bad one you cant wait to start afresh the next day . Hopefully a much betterv one , even a tinyb bitv better helps believe me .
You are NOT going crazy , its the damn anxiety that makes you feel that way . If you feel like you need to stay a couple of nights with your mum then do . But keep to it . You can always ring her or your dad when you feel you need to .
Have you got any good friends ? Maybe you could have girly film nights at yours . Just a thought .
You can always talk to us here , i would encourage you to work the programme here . It really does help , it might take awhile but it will .
Sorry to hear you're having a bad time right now. I hope venting as you said helps! I remember having those feelings you described myself. Wanting your mothers help. I found and find special comfort with my mom too. That is wonderful you have a good relationship with her! I think what ever you decide is fine if you need your family or if you stay at your place knowing your family is close by if you need them. A phone call always did wonders for me too or them stopping by for dessert or to watch a movie. Don't be hard on yourself if you feel more anxious, you also can find peace at your new place. It may just take some time to adjust. Just take it one day at a time and challenge those negative thoughts. You are not crazy, I think our thoughts can get away from us when we are anxious.
Don't be so hard on yourself! Big changes are bounds to bring around increases in anxiety.
In addition to continuing to work with your doctor, we strongly recommend you begin our online therapy program. It is a fantastic tool that will teach you lots of skills to help you through this tough time.
I just need to vent a little. I just moved out of my family home (i'm 22) and have had anxiety/panic disorder for a long time, diagnosed finally at 14 years old. I have been doing really well but recently have been having trouble with my anxiety again. I've lived with my mum and dad all my life and when he moved out in 2003, it was just me my mom and my sister. Last year my mum got married and we had to sell the family home. I lived with her and her new husband until last May 1 2008. That was when I finally moved out on my own into a basement suite fifteen minutes from my mums house (and another 15min from my dad's house). The first month was okay with everything being so new and finding my own routine, I was doing really well. The last three weeks i've had increasing lonliness and that is kicking my anxiety back up. I cry all the time, i feel sick to my stomach and i've lost 10lbs. (the weight loss is okay because i'm already a little hefty but it isn't right to lose weight by not eating enough). I work for my own doctor and i made an appointment with her yesterday. I'm increasing my effexor XR from 75mg to 150mg gradually and am taking 75mg plus 37.5mg for the next week or so. I took my first dose last night of the 75 plus 37.5. I slept okay but woke up at 5am because my dad's dog (i slept at his place last night) had horrific diarrhea in the bedroom and the stench woke me up. It sounds funny I know but I just couldn't handle it. I had to wake my dad up because I was seriously going to vomit. I was shaky, sweating, nauseous and panicky all at the same time. I don't know if it was the medication or the fact that I've been in one long anxiety attack for the last three days. I'm just so tired. I can't eat, I can't stop cying and I feel like my skin is crawling. It is a beautiful day outside but I feel panicky. Is this ever going to end? The most disturbing thing is that in the middle of a panic attack, I think what if I killed myself? Would anyone know? Isn't that crazy? I don't want to die, just the thought of that makes we want to vomit. I would never do that but still that thought pops into my head and it sends my anxiety soaring even more than it is. It is so insane. Am I crazy? Do I need to be committed for even having that thought? I DON"T WANT TO DIE yet that thought pops in for a minute. Would this just be a crazy thought of anxiety because I feel so horrible? I couldnt even fathom harming myself, I have too much good in my life but I just feel so awful right now.
I think Im dealing with some major homesickness and my anxiety always held me back from going out and making friends. I just feel like a prisoner here and I want to go home. My mum has offered for me to stay with them for a few days but Im worried that i'll develop a fear of going home and now want to return. but at the same time, I just want my mother to help me right now. I just don't know what to do.
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