Hi!
Dizzy it is true that it is hard to make good friends but I am also realizing it is probably hard for anyone to make new good friends as an adult. partly because our lives are busy, but also due to other factors. when we are very young, anyone who likes to play the same thing as us is a potential friend. but even by age 4, our personalities fit with some people more so than others. I have been on a quest for "good friends" for a while. I am going to try to add a little bit more here about why I think that might be.
I disagree though that eventually you have to tell people everything about you including any health struggles. I used to think that was true but i am starting to believe that if people become friends and accept each other for who they are , they may never need to know the details of each others past. Caring deeply for someone doesn't necessitate knowing everything they have ever struggled with. It does require some compassion though and just basic understanding that we all struggle at times and there is no shame in that. Everyone struggles with something. or at least most people do. and if we live long enough everyone faces something they struggle with. its just that culturally we want people to pretend they don't struggle. This makes me think about how Davit discussed in another thread here recently how many people on this site struggle with how they were told they "should" be.
Being told what we should and shouldn't do is part of growing up however if our parents look to us to fulfill their basic needs, what we are going to be told we should and shouldn't do may be based on what our parent needs not what we need. this I believe can form the basis for co dependence and is pretty much the definition of it - someone else depended on you to give them what they needed when you were young and you oriented your compass towards the world so that you understand other peoples needs better than you understand your own. You become adept at taking care of others and neglecting self. I learned a lot of that from books and from this site but it sure matches up with my experiences when I was young.
I started this reply in regards to the issue of making friends, and ended with some observations and learnings I've had about people being told they "should" do this or that. The connection that I'll try to make is to say that even though I am working on living authentically (not just doing what i think i should do) doesn't mean others in my life are doing this same work. Which makes it hard to be closer friends to some of the people I know. I would like to be closer with them but they are busy doing what they think they should do. Its up to each of them individually to step out of that cycle of 'should' just like it was up to me personally to work to get out of it.
I like this site a lot because here are a group of people working hard to step out of the "should" which I am doing too so I feel some community. It is very good having this site to come to.
Davit - yes, I have come to believe that the negative core beliefs I have were passed down through generations. that is not an excuse but it is a helpful explanation. There are specific events in my family tree that indicate these beliefs run (ran) deep. If I stop believing them, I cut off the lineage so to speak. Which is very motivating. But isolating for me. I've cut off contact with the people who refuse to challenge these negative beliefs. Its as if the beliefs themselves are our heritage and no one else in my family wants to give them up yet. Oh well. That is why I come here.
