Hiya guys,
Came back from a wonderful holliday trip. I went from Friday to last night late. I had fun. Talk about the calm before the storm.
I had left the cat at the vet's. I told them to examine him too while they are at it. When I went to pick him up today the vet spoke to me. She basically told me he will not get better. She told me he lost weight yet again. She said I should think about putting the cat down before he suffers too much...
I brought my cat home. Now I have to think on when I want to call the vet, how I am going to deal with all this. At this moment, I think I am in a weird form of denial. It is like my brain knows what is going on but the rest of me doesn't. I feel really calm. I keep like forgetting what is going on, like this is just another day with the cats at home doing some work. Although I am not working today, just tomorrow and such.
And then it hits me, that he will be gone, that I will come home to a house devoid of his presence and then I feel panicked and angry and sad and horrified and my brain cannot wrap itself around what it will be like without my cat there. And then I can't stop crying and I can't breathe and I want to just curl into a ball and not get up again. And then I feel calm again. My husband stayed home to take care of me. I can't seem to get around to doing anything. I just stay there either in pieces or eerily calm but I don't do anything really. I do not know how to deal with this, I just don't. When he is gone there will be a big whole in my life, so big that I cannot imagine what it will be like. I am scared.
I feel guilty, like I should have done more for him, more love, more petting, more cuddles, more, just more. He is a wonderful cat. I wish I could have done more for him. I will miss him so much...I feel guilty, like I am getting ready to kill him. And am I not? Should I not feel guilty?
But then I remember, that it is better for him. This way he will not suffer. He will have had a good life and he won't have suffered. It makes me feel a bit better and yet it is not enough to feel ok. I feel like I am staring at a big black hole and am about to be swallowed by it. I am scared and sad and angry, mostly I hurt badly.
Sorry for not taking the time today to answer all your threads. I tried to answer some but am just not feeling so hot atm. Am feeling exhausted and weird and am having a very very very horrible day. Will be more attentive in the future. Thank you all so much for your time and support. Sorry for dumping all this on you today. am just having a tough time dealing and staying in one piece.
, the other was my cousin's 3yr old son . Thats when i first started getting my pa's . I off subject again but just wanted you to know i cant physhically be with you but i am spiritually and i do mean that . 
Thinking of you friend please take care .
