First of all, I would like to thank you for your very thoughtful post, Samantha. The things you said really resonated with me. And second, I have to report that I finally relapsed. I broke down and smoked a cigarette a few minutes ago. I had somehow managed to go almost six full days without having any strong cravings, but after writing my post, something inside of me just snapped and I found myself just ditching every rational thought and "just doing it." Even while I was smoking, I knew I shouldn't be. I can't even say that it was particularly enjoyable. I think I may feel ashamed, but I know that's not a useful feeling. Worse, I feel as if I have let everyone down; everyone here, my family, my co-workers, myself. Why did I do that? How could I sacrifice what was really such a good thing for me?
I think it really comes down to this post. The problem is, I don't have many interests. The highlight of my day is when I'm out hiking in the woods - even when the mosquitoes seem to be at their worst. When I'm at home, there's really not much for me to do except work on the computer or watch television. I don't have any friends who live near me, and the friends I do have all smoke, so they are not really people I can easily associate with right now. As far as writing, I'm on my 19th journal in close to a decade. In the last couple of years, I've found myself writing less and less, but while I was quitting, I wrote a lot. I have been writing three or four times a day. But that's it, I don't really have anything else to fill my time up with. I'm basically a workaholic. I'm a programmer and I can spend all day working on the computer, but this past week I have not accomplished anything in that regard; my mind just hasn't been in that space.
So I don't know what to do now. Well, I kind of do. I learned a lot these past six days. I was doing things that brought me a lot of pride, but I think perhaps I rushed into this unprepared. I'm going to go back through the "My Program" and next week I'm going to buy that Carr book that I've heard mentioned on here quite a few times. I don't want to give up. I really believe that quitting smoking is the best thing I can do for myself. It was so nice to be able to smell the flowers at the nature preserve and I was looking forward to hiking one of my favorite trails next week, and I was taking so much better care of myself than I normally would. It seems that smoking just stops me from doing all the things I always want to do. I'm really choosing not to see this as a failure though; it was a great first step in my book.
I know what everyone here would say. Quitting is a process, put them back down and try again, prepare yourself, post here and wait for five replies (for that, you'd be waiting half the day), don't give up. I don't know what else, but I don't think I really need to hear any of that. I think what it really comes down to is that I need to find things to fill up my days with, to make my life feel more meaningful. I don't know what those things would be; I am going to have to search for some new interests I guess. I took Chantix for a week on a whim; I never thought it would actually be all that useful. So once that first week was over and I stopped taking it, I was certainly grateful to be smoke-free, but I think a part of me also felt sort of rushed into this. I don't know. Wow, I must sound totally whacko right now, haha.
Bottom line, I need to take stock of this experience and figure out how to move forward. I would appreciate any helpful advice on that front. Everyone here is just so great; I want to be able to count myself among "the family of quitters who have actually succeeded and help those who are just getting started." Well, there's one thing I know for certain; I don't feel any better having done this to myself. That is something I told myself a lot this week, that it wouldn't make me feel any better, wouldn't make life better, etc.
Anyways, here's the deal. Don't dwell on slipping and don't beat yourself up over it! The word around town is that it takes an average of 7 tries to quit. What's this your first in a long time, right? No worries!!! Consider this a test run and then get some serious preparation going! You know the 6 P's, right? Proper Planning Prevents Piss-Poor Performance!!! It may be that you really weren't as prepared as you need to be to tackle the demon!
