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Tryagain,
What you said:
[color=Green]ten minutes I was free of the endless struggle[/color]
What you meant:
[color=Blue]For ten minutes I let the nicodemon back in to fill my thoughts with falsehoods and fill my lungs with chemicals.[/color]
What you said:
[color=Green] I took a break, a ten minute break[/color]
What you meant:
[color=Blue]I spent ten minutes injuring myself physically & mentally. I gave up control to my junkie thinking. [/color]
Here's the thing. I had a [color=Red]VERY STRONG[/color] reaction to your post because it hits too close to home. I struggle everyday with the fantasy of smoking. And it is just that, a "fantasy" - an idealized view of something. I fantasize about having that 10 minutes outside with a glass of wine and a smoke - a simple cure for all I'm struggling with right now. But you & I both know that that 10 minutes outside for a onetime release is impossible. If we could do that -- just have one cigarette to relax on true rare/special occassions --- than we wouldn't be on this website. We wouldn't be nicotine addicts. IT IS NOT POSSIBLE.
So Tryagain - I am worried about you! PLEASE do not let the junkie thinking fool you and/or take over. The bottom line - if you want to live - you can never ever take another "10 minute break" - ever. Smoking is not an option.
[B]My Milage:[/B]
[B]My Quit Date: [/B] 2/24/2007
[B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 33
[B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 1,170
[B]Amount Saved:[/B] $214.5
[B]Life Gained:[/B]
[B]Days:[/B] 2 [B]Hrs:[/B] 19 [B]Mins:[/B] 28 [B]Seconds:[/B] 27
tryagain, only takes one cig to ruin a quit. I am proof of that when I had 200+ days and ONE cig ruined it. I reset my meter and only have 70+ days. Pathetic what one cig can do. Now it sounds by what you wrote that it "calmed you" and "took you away" from the heaviness of smoking. Guess what, that feeling will be coming back again and again. You cant be quit if you are taking breaks to escape from it. You have to just get over that hump and see the end in sight. But taking breaks will become more often. Too many here fail because of those "I need a break on my terms". Was it honestly on your terms? Or did you just tell yourself that so it wouldn't get to you? Please be honest with yourself. I haven't been here much but I quit my first time back in June 7th. I have seen it happen too many times. Just jump back on and forget those "escape" moments you think you need with a smoke. You can do it because there are others here that have done it.
Hugs
Kim
[B]My Milage:[/B]
[B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/10/2007
[B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 78
[B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 1,959
[B]Amount Saved:[/B] $331.5
[B]Life Gained:[/B]
[B]Days:[/B] 6 [B]Hrs:[/B] 21 [B]Mins:[/B] 50 [B]Seconds:[/B] 6
Exactly. Now that it's happened there's only one thing to do with it... use it to help you.
Tryagain, we're with you. Don't allow a single cigarette to destroy you. Take what this momentary lapse has taught you, about yourself, about what it takes to stay quit... and move forward.
[B]My Milage:[/B]
[B]My Quit Date: [/B] 3/6/2007
[B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 23
[B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 584
[B]Amount Saved:[/B] $212.75
[B]Life Gained:[/B]
[B]Days:[/B] 3 [B]Hrs:[/B] 19 [B]Mins:[/B] 32 [B]Seconds:[/B] 27
It all got too much for me. I wasn't doing all that well, but I was hanging in there and very proud of myself for not smoking.
It was like hanging onto the last lifeboat. You're clinging to the side and oh so tired, arms are tired and heavy. It would be a release, a relief, just to let go and let the sea take you. I slipped, I figured if I was going to slip it would be on my terms and not a crazy impulse.
I got a single cig from a neighbor, I poured a glass of wine. I sat outside, closed my eyes and smoked that cig and drank that glass of wine. For ten minutes I let the sea take me. For ten minutes I was free of the endless struggle. For ten minutes I wasn't holding up a boulder of a quit getting heavier every day.
Then it was over. I harnessed myself back to the plow and prepared myself to turn over rocks.
I'm not resetting my quit meter, it was only a single cigarette, I didn't give up my quit. I took a break, a ten minute break. I carry on from here, as if it never happened.
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