I'm not sure which category this post should go in...But does anyone out there have experience with domestic abuse? I'll try to keep this short, but it's a long story...
I left a verbally abusive relationship 5 years ago (after 9 years). But recent events have left me struggling with overwhelming negative thoughts that seem to consume every minute of every day...
I left my ex because he was verbally abusive, mostly to my oldest daughter (his step daughter). I also have a younger daughter who is his biological daughter.
About a year ago, my oldest daughter (now 17) disclosed that he sexually abused her including raping her when she was 12. She also witnessed him sexually abuse my younger daughter (now 12). I think I went into a state of shock for a few months, and ran on adrenaline in the months after that. I think I've crashed now.
I've spent most of the last year dealing with police, lawyers, psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, detectives, trying to get something done about the sexual abuse. You know what they could do to help me? Nothing. He's not considered an immediate threat to our safety. And my daughter is terrified to press charges.
Finally it seemed that all I could do was get a lawyer and take him to court to at least deny him access to my youngest daughter. That has been hugely stressful in itself and will take months to accomplish.
I hate him so much it consumes me...I wish I could make him feel the anguish he has inflicted on us, I wish I could make him see how broken he has left us, how we will never be the same and will struggle with the scars he left us forever...
I'm enraged by the "system" that is supposed to help us - that I have to go to court and prove that he is a threat to my daughter when that should be self-explanatory. That I feel like we're the ones being interrogated when it should be him. I have dealt with every agency I know of whose purpose is to help victims of abuse and they have all proven to be impotent to do anything. I just get shuffled to another agency or department.
One of the first things I always get asked is "why did you stay for 9 years?" And I don't know. So I took a course on abusive relationships and I learned that there are many reasons people stay in abusive relationships (fear, self-doubt, societal expectations, financial reasons, the list is extensive) and that the abuse itself manipulates a person into thinking that they can't possibly leave. Learning this made me feel better and realize that I am not to blame for his behaviour, only he is.
Then about a week ago we each had to have a court ordered psychological assessment. One psychologist stated that she was concerned that I was not "emotionally available" to my children, and that she was "struck" by how emotionally shut down I was. And that I should take responsibility for our family's turbulent past and should have gotten help for my daughter sooner. What??? I am so overwhelmed by a roller coaster of emotions that the only way to function day to day is to try to shut it off. Otherwise I would probably be in a rubber room by now.
I have spent the last 5 years putting my family back together, largely on my own because no one else wants to get too involved. And I have done everything I can think of to do that. All of us have been through counselling (I still am). We have a very close, loving and supportive relationship now. How dare she say that I don't have any feelings, or that I haven't helped my kids, or that I am responsible????
The other psychologist told me that probably the biggest reason I didn't leave him sooner was because I have been depressed much longer than I realized, and that I was too depressed to do anything about the abuse. That made me feel like a piece of crap. Defective. Like I shouldn't have had kids because I was too depressed to take care of them. Like it was my depression that made it possible fo
