I just wrote a whole bunch of things.. But something went wrong and the site didn't post it. I don't have the strength to type everything I've typed before... So I'll just... shorten it. I had a horrible holiday weekend. I basically totally lost it yesterday morning at my parents. I won't talk to them much less even look at them. I'm just so full of anger and hate. Never in my life have I lashed out at anyone like that. I wish my dad's side of the family would just die. They have been nothing but pain to my family. I just hate everyone.

Carry/Kitn/Depressed: I hope everyone had a nice holiday. Mine was ok until I got to my sisters' house and found that she had spent the night at the ER. She had swelled up like a balloon. After 7 hours they gave her a water pill and sent her home. She insisted on having the dinner, but everyone was so uncomfortable. I have four younger sisters and three of them are so sick I'm afraid they are going to die before me. I had two older sisters and one died at 41 years old. Women in my familt do not live long. My mother died when she was 55. I shouldn't be doing this right now. I'll write back when I'm in a better frame of mind. Bye

Carry: It has to be tough living with people who don't agree with your choices. I'm not going to say anything about your mother's intentions because I don't know her. Is it possible she would respect your request not to bring the subject up? Or, maybe, you can ask her not to say anything unless you bring it up. I had to tell my husband that the depression and anxiety doesn't go away. It's always there even though I look and act fine. I know you didn't have good experiences with your last therapist, but maybe it's time to give it another shot. Did you know that some therapist specialize in certain therapies? Mine said she realized that I wasn't getting the right support from family and began providing the support herself. She's taught me how to vent some of my frustrations in writing, and is trying to get me to go back to exercising. Both of you have told me that exercise is a great outlet. I just can't seem to get the energy up. Of course, I'm putting the weight back on. Tonight on your date, if you're not enjoying yourself, think of an excuse to end it early. You might suprise yourself and have a good time if you know you have an out. If you have a cell phone, have a friend call at a designated time. If you're having a good time tell the caller you'll get back to her/him. If you're not haveing a good time, tell you date somethings come up and you have to go. I hope you enjoy your date and have a wonderful holiday.

Hi Barbara, Well, today's been busy in a way. Since I've finally finished my project, things have slowed down for me a bit. I was having a ok day til about 40 minutes ago. I was having a very late dinner when my mother came down because she couldn't sleep. (She took too long of a nap) So she came down and sat next to me as I was finish eating. Then she blurts out, "have you seen him by any chance?" (talking about my ex..) It's a subject I never want to bring up again. And of course I've already asked her not to bring him up ever again. She agreed but does she keep her word? Of course not. Because how she feels is just so much more important and what she says is RIGHT. I tried to keep my temper but I started getting little ****y about it. Kept telling her it's over and done with so there's no point in complaining about it. I don't know why I bother though. What I say doesn't matter to her. She just came back saying, "don't you feel cheated??? how could you do that without even asking me???" I love my mom.. I really do. But every once in a while, I swear I feel like I'll kill myself before she passes away from old age. hahaha.. and she wonders why I don't tell her anything or don't talk to her often. Except for one sister who's in Kanasas, no one else knows about my other date in my family. You know... sometimes.. very rarely... I want to scream at my mom and just tell her off. haha.. but after I've settled my anger. I feel guilty about thinking that. *sigh* enough with mother bashing... I'm seeing one guy tomorrow night for dinner and maybe a movie. We'll see how I'm feeling. The other guy, I pushed the date to next week since this was a holiday week and I figured we'd both be busy. Actually, I was suppose to see the first guy last night. But I rescheduled it to tomorrow night. When the thought of "dating" actually sank in. I just felt really.. stressed and frustrated? I'm not sure how to discribe the feeling. I just felt like I had to work off some of the bad energy I was feeling. So I ended up going through my usual routine by coming home, then going to the gym. Anyway, I do still get backflashes.. It gets worse when it's that time of the month. Probably because I'm much more sensitive. I think.. no.. I know

Carry: It's been a busy day, but the moment I relax I start getting agitated. Right now I can't concentrate on the smallest of things. My therapist told me not to do the books the Shrink gave me because I was getting anxious. She doesn't want me to do the "homework". I think that by focusing on the books kept the anxiety at bay. I can't put words to my thoughts. It's like I'm trying to see through a dirty window. I keep rubbing and rubbing but I can't clear away the grime to get a good look inside. I don't think it's the meds because they haven't changed. I think it's the loss of the structure the books required of me. I'm sorry to ramble on. When are you supposed to go on your dates? I hope you have fun. I can't really relate because I've been married longer than I've been single. Are you still having flashbacks? How do you distract yourself? I just keep telling myself no! Hope to hear from you soon.

Carry/Kitn/Depressed: Two dates in one week. I think I'd feel ambivilant too. After what you've been through I admire your determination to keep going. Why not go on the dates and just have fun. There's no rule that says you have to start a relationship just because you went out. It's good to keep moving at this point. I wouldn't allow myself to get too involved right away though. You're uncertain of yourself and still reeling from the last relationship. You are stronger than you think. The advice and support you've given me has allowed me to open up to the therapist when I didn't think I'd be able to. You've shown me that there are people out there who won't judge, and still find ways of helping me heal. Someday I really hope to meet you.

Hi Barbara, Kitn, Depressed; Barbara, I'm sorry you had a rough time last night. I was doing somewhat ok over the weekend too until I was getting ready to sleep. All of the sudden, I started getting flash backs which kept me up for hours. Probably why I'm so tired this morning. I think you're really improving though. I'm not sure if you've noticed, but to me, it seems like you're fighting harder for your freedom from this depression. And you seem more determined then when I first met you. I know you have your moments where it just so hard. But still, I see you keep moving forward. Even if you might seem like you're not. I'm just so proud of you and it really inspires me to keep moving forward also. I might have 2 dates this week. I'm not sure how to feel. In a way, it kind of depresses me. Not really sure how to explain why though. *sigh*

Carry/Kitn/Depressed: I haven't upped my dosage yet. I spoke w/my MD & he said that we'll give it a couple more weeks before we change the dosage. He also said that as my therapy progresses he's going to wean me off Xanax. He will begin by lowering the dosage without my knowledge. In other words the written script will look no different but the pharmacy will begin lowering the dosage without the pill itself looking different. They want to up the dosage now because they're afraid I'll become resistant to treatment because I'm almost as anxious now as I was when I started therapy. I'll see how everything goes this week. My weekend started out ok but last night was bad. Really bad. I never thought life was fair, but I don't think it's a good thing that sometimes the cure is worse than the illness.

Hey Barbara/Kitn/Depressed; How was everyone's weekend? I did nothing but work and sleep. But congrats me!!! I finally finished the darn project. lol Barbara, oh.. xanax.. When I was going throught that "period" of my life, the doc gave me some xanax. I was so strung up that it didn't do a thing for me. But after I settled a bit, it started working. Still, I didn't feel like it was doing enough so I asked my doc to up the med. Of course, he was worried I'd get addicted and suggested I just go along with what I have. After couple months he wouldn't even give me anymore. *sigh* I was having such a hard time. I kept getting flash backs and kept forgetting things. Sometimes, I'd be sitting in my chair just spacing out till someone wakes me up from it. When the doc stopped giving me xanax. I felt like I was going through such withdrawl. I don't even want to think back on what it felt like. I'm not trying to scare you Barbara so don't be! But.. I think if you feel you're strong enough not to take it or not to up the dose, then stay where you are. I'm not sure if you remember but there was a time where I wanted to buy xanax off the internet because my doc wouldn't give me anymore. It was pretty hard when I stopped taking it. But I'm kind of glad I did. I think I'm much stronger then I was back then. Kitn, I hope you and your husband is doing well. We know how busy you are. I hope you can drop us a line soon though. Depressed, how was your weekend? We haven't heard from you in a while. Please let us know how you are doing. ^_^

Carry/Kitn/Depressed: Carry, you always know the right thing to say. I am going to hang on. I can't stand living this way. I have to learn a whole new me. I'm still afraid but I'm tired of doubt, shame, and depression. I keep telling myself that it may get worse before it gets better. My therapist wants me to up my Xanax but I'm afraid of addiction. I'm on 1mg a day but since it's XR it's extended release so that it remains in my system. She thinks that since my panic attacks have escalated and I'm having flashbacks again my resistance to therapy may increase. Havy any of you experienced something like this?